00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:02,155 --> 00:00:04,539 Testing, testing. 2 00:00:06,035 --> 00:00:08,135 Testing complete. 3 00:00:08,204 --> 00:00:11,238 It's 4:00 a.m., and I am too excited to sleep. 4 00:00:11,307 --> 00:00:13,744 Tomorrow is my first official day as the boss 5 00:00:13,799 --> 00:00:15,533 of my new podcast company, 6 00:00:15,596 --> 00:00:18,330 and this right here is our very first podcast. 7 00:00:18,366 --> 00:00:21,333 You might wonder why someone with a good job, 8 00:00:21,402 --> 00:00:23,969 a wife, two kids, and a dancer's body 9 00:00:24,038 --> 00:00:25,904 would do something so risky. 10 00:00:25,973 --> 00:00:27,873 It's because I believe there's a place where I can tell 11 00:00:27,942 --> 00:00:29,842 the kind of stories I want to tell. 12 00:00:29,877 --> 00:00:32,311 Where I can work with the kind of people I want to work with. 13 00:00:32,380 --> 00:00:33,779 And most of all, where no one... 14 00:00:33,814 --> 00:00:36,048 and I mean no one... can tell me what to do. 15 00:00:36,117 --> 00:00:37,549 Will you please shut up? 16 00:00:37,618 --> 00:00:39,752 Oh. Sorry, honey. 17 00:00:39,854 --> 00:00:42,187 That's the person who was snoring earlier. 18 00:00:42,289 --> 00:00:43,188 Ow. 19 00:00:43,290 --> 00:00:46,191 Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.MY-SUBS.com 20 00:00:47,862 --> 00:00:50,763 And now I'm pouring my coffee. 21 00:00:50,865 --> 00:00:52,097 Why are you wearing a purse? 22 00:00:52,199 --> 00:00:54,099 Oh. It's not a purse, sweetie. 23 00:00:54,201 --> 00:00:57,069 It's a stylish satchel that houses my recording device. 24 00:00:57,171 --> 00:00:59,038 Then why is there a LUNA bar in there? 25 00:00:59,140 --> 00:01:01,206 They're not just for women. They're for anybody on the go. 26 00:01:01,308 --> 00:01:03,609 Now, guys, this podcast about our lives 27 00:01:03,744 --> 00:01:05,544 only works if you ignore the microphone 28 00:01:05,646 --> 00:01:07,780 and just act like you'd normally act. 29 00:01:07,882 --> 00:01:10,349 Hello, guv'nor. I'm a British person. 30 00:01:10,451 --> 00:01:11,517 Or do that. 31 00:01:11,619 --> 00:01:13,485 Dad, I'm gonna need some help with my costume 32 00:01:13,554 --> 00:01:15,020 for my wax museum project. 33 00:01:15,122 --> 00:01:16,221 What wax museum project? 34 00:01:16,323 --> 00:01:18,791 Well, everybody dresses up like an historical figure, 35 00:01:18,893 --> 00:01:20,759 and then when someone pushes your button, 36 00:01:20,828 --> 00:01:22,928 you say something your person famously said. 37 00:01:22,997 --> 00:01:24,797 That sounds boring. You'll be great at it. 38 00:01:24,899 --> 00:01:26,799 Not having Popsicles for breakfast. 39 00:01:26,901 --> 00:01:28,534 - You're mean. - Yeah, I'm a monster. 40 00:01:28,636 --> 00:01:29,802 Listen, everybody needs to be ready 41 00:01:29,904 --> 00:01:31,103 to walk out that door in five. 42 00:01:31,205 --> 00:01:32,604 Wait, you're taking us? 43 00:01:32,707 --> 00:01:34,606 Dad, I don't love it when Mom drives. 44 00:01:34,709 --> 00:01:36,742 She's not great at things like making lefts. 45 00:01:36,844 --> 00:01:38,944 Oh, stop it. Your mom's a great driver. 46 00:01:39,046 --> 00:01:41,246 And luckily for you, the drive to school is all rights. 47 00:01:41,315 --> 00:01:43,148 Look, kids, I know you're used to Dad 48 00:01:43,250 --> 00:01:45,417 doing a lot more of these things because at his old job, 49 00:01:45,519 --> 00:01:46,719 he had more flexible hours 50 00:01:46,821 --> 00:01:49,221 and... made good money and had great benefits 51 00:01:49,323 --> 00:01:51,256 and still decided to quit and thrust us into chaos... 52 00:01:51,358 --> 00:01:52,391 Come on back, baby. 53 00:01:52,493 --> 00:01:54,626 ...which I am totally supportive of. 54 00:01:54,729 --> 00:01:55,961 But now that he's busier, 55 00:01:56,063 --> 00:01:57,563 I'm gonna be doing morning drop-off. 56 00:01:57,665 --> 00:01:59,665 And today, you're gonna do pickup, too, you said. 57 00:01:59,767 --> 00:02:01,333 And... pickup today, too. 58 00:02:01,435 --> 00:02:02,668 You know what... I'm actually excited 59 00:02:02,770 --> 00:02:04,169 to be a little more involved. 60 00:02:04,271 --> 00:02:07,005 Wait, Dad. Does that mean you're going to miss my wax museum show? 61 00:02:07,108 --> 00:02:10,075 - No! Of course! - Are you still gonna read to me at night? 62 00:02:10,177 --> 00:02:12,644 You guys, this may be a new chapter in my career, 63 00:02:12,747 --> 00:02:14,980 but nothing is going to change, okay? 64 00:02:15,082 --> 00:02:16,782 As the great Lee Iacocca once said 65 00:02:16,884 --> 00:02:19,017 in one of my many management books, 66 00:02:19,120 --> 00:02:21,887 "You don't turn your back on family." 67 00:02:22,823 --> 00:02:25,691 Or maybe that was Vin Diesel in "Fast & The Furious 6." 68 00:02:25,793 --> 00:02:29,027 Irrelevant. The point is, I got this. 69 00:02:29,130 --> 00:02:30,896 Yeah. Hands in. 70 00:02:30,998 --> 00:02:32,197 Whoo! Team Schuman! 71 00:02:32,299 --> 00:02:33,332 - Team Schuman! - I love you all. 72 00:02:33,434 --> 00:02:35,200 I love you. 73 00:02:36,637 --> 00:02:38,337 Forgot my purse. 74 00:02:40,141 --> 00:02:42,741 Good morning, all. It's just the two of us, Al. 75 00:02:42,843 --> 00:02:45,144 That's my second cousin Eddie, always giving me the business. 76 00:02:45,212 --> 00:02:47,379 - Say something, Ed. - I'm a British guy. 77 00:02:47,481 --> 00:02:48,881 Why does everybody make themselves British? 78 00:02:48,983 --> 00:02:51,550 Can I just say I love your first-day-of-work outfit. 79 00:02:51,652 --> 00:02:53,485 Thank you, Deirdre Riordan, producer, cheerleader. 80 00:02:53,587 --> 00:02:54,953 I would take a bullet for Alex. 81 00:02:55,055 --> 00:02:56,655 Okay, let's hope it doesn't come to that. 82 00:02:56,757 --> 00:02:58,290 Now, I have a packed agenda for today, 83 00:02:58,392 --> 00:03:00,325 which begins with an inspirational speech. 84 00:03:00,427 --> 00:03:02,127 Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 85 00:03:03,724 --> 00:03:04,746 And go. 86 00:03:04,795 --> 00:03:06,973 As we venture out on this journey together, 87 00:03:07,067 --> 00:03:09,334 I want us all to be prepared for obstacles, 88 00:03:09,436 --> 00:03:10,936 both from the outside 89 00:03:11,005 --> 00:03:13,839 and also from in here... in this place. 90 00:03:13,941 --> 00:03:16,157 - Your nipple? - He's pointing to his heart... 91 00:03:16,220 --> 00:03:17,391 his love muscle. 92 00:03:17,444 --> 00:03:19,678 Nobody's got a bigger love muscle than Alex. 93 00:03:19,780 --> 00:03:22,281 Wow. You really don't hear it, do you? 94 00:03:22,349 --> 00:03:23,849 Continue, Alex. I'm on the edge of my seat. 95 00:03:23,951 --> 00:03:26,485 That's just 'cause that chair naturally tips forward. 96 00:03:26,587 --> 00:03:27,853 Yeah, why do I get the tippy chair? 97 00:03:27,955 --> 00:03:29,621 Because I found the Incubator. 98 00:03:29,723 --> 00:03:31,190 Al had the idea for the company. 99 00:03:31,258 --> 00:03:32,825 So far, you just bounce around here 100 00:03:32,927 --> 00:03:34,827 like a tiny bird on methamphetamines. 101 00:03:34,929 --> 00:03:36,261 You get the good chair when you score. 102 00:03:36,363 --> 00:03:38,297 - You know, you are a real piece of work. - Guys, come on. 103 00:03:38,365 --> 00:03:39,965 You know, when I practiced this speech at home, 104 00:03:40,034 --> 00:03:42,167 I held for applause, not fighting. 105 00:03:42,269 --> 00:03:45,404 Now my rhythm's all off. I'm just gonna jump to the end. 106 00:03:45,506 --> 00:03:47,806 Uh, and in conclusion, 107 00:03:47,842 --> 00:03:50,342 at my old job, it was like a dictatorship. 108 00:03:50,411 --> 00:03:52,311 This is going to be a democracy. 109 00:03:52,379 --> 00:03:55,848 So bring on your ideas. There are no bad ones. 110 00:03:55,916 --> 00:03:57,749 Yes, Deirdre? And you don't need to raise your hand. 111 00:03:57,852 --> 00:03:59,952 I thought it would be cool for the podcast 112 00:04:00,020 --> 00:04:02,120 to weave in interviews with successful start-up founders 113 00:04:02,189 --> 00:04:03,589 whose stories might relate to yours. 114 00:04:03,657 --> 00:04:06,191 Eddie, I said there were no bad ideas, 115 00:04:06,227 --> 00:04:07,826 and, actually, that's a really good one. 116 00:04:07,895 --> 00:04:09,494 Yeah, well, good luck finding a major CEO 117 00:04:09,563 --> 00:04:10,796 who's gonna wanna talk to us. 118 00:04:10,865 --> 00:04:11,964 We just started today. 119 00:04:12,032 --> 00:04:13,665 I haven't even unpacked my sauces. 120 00:04:13,767 --> 00:04:15,167 Would you consider Jack Miller, 121 00:04:15,202 --> 00:04:17,469 the founder of Hoardr, a billion-dollar start-up 122 00:04:17,538 --> 00:04:20,873 on the cover of this month's Wired magazine a major CEO? 123 00:04:20,941 --> 00:04:22,774 Because he's coming in this Wednesday at 3:00. 124 00:04:22,877 --> 00:04:24,443 Really?! That's amazing! 125 00:04:24,511 --> 00:04:26,278 Oh, my God! A hug! I don't want that! 126 00:04:26,380 --> 00:04:28,280 I need it. 127 00:04:28,382 --> 00:04:30,115 Wait, did you say this Wednesday? 128 00:04:30,217 --> 00:04:32,384 I have to to Ben's wax museum show. 129 00:04:32,453 --> 00:04:33,986 - Can Miller re-schedule? - I can ask, 130 00:04:34,054 --> 00:04:36,088 but he is only in town for the day. 131 00:04:36,156 --> 00:04:37,856 You know what... maybe it's a blessing in disguise, 132 00:04:37,958 --> 00:04:39,958 'cause Rooni been saying she wants to get more involved. 133 00:04:40,027 --> 00:04:40,993 Now she can be. 134 00:04:41,061 --> 00:04:42,027 Let's do it. 135 00:04:42,129 --> 00:04:43,228 Yay! Okay. 136 00:04:43,330 --> 00:04:46,131 I did just a little bit of research. 137 00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:48,767 Wow. I guess we're working late tonight. 138 00:04:48,869 --> 00:04:50,749 And I'll be taking the good chair now. 139 00:04:51,338 --> 00:04:53,772 They traded chairs four more times that day. 140 00:04:53,841 --> 00:04:56,275 And when I finally got home, Soraya had fallen asleep 141 00:04:56,343 --> 00:04:57,342 in our bedroom. 142 00:05:04,485 --> 00:05:06,451 "I forgive you. This time." 143 00:05:09,623 --> 00:05:10,923 I missed her. 144 00:05:11,025 --> 00:05:13,292 Ohhh! She tried to stay up. 145 00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:14,793 We just... we didn't think you'd be so late. 146 00:05:14,862 --> 00:05:16,762 Neither did I. My first day was crazy. 147 00:05:16,864 --> 00:05:18,397 I think my employees already hate each other. 148 00:05:18,465 --> 00:05:21,500 Mm. Well, it was no picnic around here, either. 149 00:05:21,568 --> 00:05:24,036 I got to admit, I'm a little rusty flying solo 150 00:05:24,104 --> 00:05:25,337 with the whole nighttime routine. 151 00:05:25,406 --> 00:05:27,339 - Mm. - The kids get really smelly. 152 00:05:27,441 --> 00:05:30,042 Yeah. Occasionally, I give them a light Febreze. 153 00:05:30,110 --> 00:05:32,010 - Oh. - It won't always be like this, though. 154 00:05:32,079 --> 00:05:33,912 Except for Wednesday. 155 00:05:33,981 --> 00:05:35,681 I can't come to that wax museum thing. 156 00:05:35,749 --> 00:05:38,183 - Really? - Excuse me? You can't come? 157 00:05:38,218 --> 00:05:40,953 I'm sorry, buddy, but what are you wearing? 158 00:05:41,021 --> 00:05:43,288 This is Mom's masterpiece. 159 00:05:43,357 --> 00:05:45,023 What is the matter with Lincoln? 160 00:05:45,092 --> 00:05:47,392 That's Lincoln? Like, Abraham Lincoln? 161 00:05:47,428 --> 00:05:49,594 - Yes! - Since when do four brown socks 162 00:05:49,663 --> 00:05:51,263 stapled together look like a beard? 163 00:05:51,332 --> 00:05:53,231 They're not even matching socks. One of them's argyle. 164 00:05:53,300 --> 00:05:55,100 This is why I need you, Dad. 165 00:05:55,202 --> 00:05:56,969 This isn't really Mom's thing. 166 00:05:57,037 --> 00:05:59,771 This whole costume is one giant left turn. 167 00:05:59,840 --> 00:06:00,870 - Okay. - You know what, 168 00:06:00,894 --> 00:06:03,108 since I can't come Wednesday, I'll pick you up from school tomorrow, 169 00:06:03,177 --> 00:06:04,876 and I'll take you to an awesome costume shop, okay? 170 00:06:04,979 --> 00:06:05,944 Sweet. 171 00:06:07,147 --> 00:06:08,280 Is this really that bad? 172 00:06:08,349 --> 00:06:10,916 You look like a tiny rabbi who got stuck in the dryer. 173 00:06:13,420 --> 00:06:14,886 Trying to run my business like a democracy 174 00:06:14,989 --> 00:06:16,621 still wasn't working. 175 00:06:16,724 --> 00:06:18,623 Eddie and Deirdre were arguing about everything... 176 00:06:18,726 --> 00:06:19,758 ...which is why I've been laying down 177 00:06:19,827 --> 00:06:21,426 these hot tracks in the kitchen. 178 00:06:21,528 --> 00:06:23,128 Excuse me. Hi. 179 00:06:23,197 --> 00:06:25,497 Uh, there's no podcasting in the kitchen. 180 00:06:25,599 --> 00:06:27,065 Read the sign. 181 00:06:28,869 --> 00:06:30,402 Oh. Sorry. 182 00:06:30,471 --> 00:06:32,604 Okay, well, you're not in trouble. 183 00:06:32,673 --> 00:06:34,106 I call her The Tattler. 184 00:06:34,174 --> 00:06:36,008 - Al, I got to talk to you. - Can it wait, buddy? 185 00:06:36,110 --> 00:06:38,744 - I have to go buy Ben a costume. - No, this is pressing. 186 00:06:38,812 --> 00:06:41,313 Okay, so, I've been researching these "podcasts." 187 00:06:41,382 --> 00:06:43,148 You don't have to use air quotes. They're a real thing. 188 00:06:43,217 --> 00:06:45,150 Yeah, it's pretty incredible. They got one for everything. 189 00:06:45,252 --> 00:06:47,386 I learned how to knit last night. 190 00:06:47,488 --> 00:06:48,620 Is that a potholder? 191 00:06:48,722 --> 00:06:50,489 Well, it's gonna be a scarf, but for now, 192 00:06:50,591 --> 00:06:52,391 - it's a pocket square. - Hmm. 193 00:06:52,459 --> 00:06:54,326 Anyway, through my research, I discovered 194 00:06:54,428 --> 00:06:55,894 this outfit called Squarespace. 195 00:06:55,963 --> 00:06:57,763 Yeah, they're, like, the biggest advertisers out there. 196 00:06:57,865 --> 00:07:00,265 Well, turns out, I know a guy from the neighborhood 197 00:07:00,334 --> 00:07:01,700 whose daughter works there. 198 00:07:01,769 --> 00:07:03,902 Long story short, bippity boppity boop, 199 00:07:03,971 --> 00:07:05,337 we got a meeting with Squarespace. 200 00:07:05,439 --> 00:07:07,139 - That's incredible, Eddie! - Yeah, yeah. 201 00:07:07,207 --> 00:07:09,908 Problem is, they want to meet tomorrow afternoon at 3:00... 202 00:07:09,977 --> 00:07:11,777 same time as Deirdre's thingamajig. 203 00:07:11,845 --> 00:07:13,612 - No! - Yeah, tough break for the kid. 204 00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:15,514 Not sure what you want to tell her. 205 00:07:15,616 --> 00:07:17,382 Tell who what? 206 00:07:17,451 --> 00:07:19,217 Okay, Deirdre, deep breath. 207 00:07:19,286 --> 00:07:21,153 Eddie got a meeting with a big advertiser, 208 00:07:21,221 --> 00:07:23,055 and they can only meet at the exact same time 209 00:07:23,123 --> 00:07:24,523 as your Hoardr guy. 210 00:07:24,591 --> 00:07:27,492 Looks like somebody's back in the tippy chair. 211 00:07:27,561 --> 00:07:29,895 You are so petty! You're a petty man! 212 00:07:31,365 --> 00:07:32,564 I think that went pretty well. 213 00:07:35,769 --> 00:07:36,501 Hey, you. 214 00:07:36,603 --> 00:07:37,936 I didn't quit my job 215 00:07:38,038 --> 00:07:40,105 to be the third wheel on the Cousin Show. 216 00:07:40,207 --> 00:07:41,740 You are not a third wheel, okay? 217 00:07:41,842 --> 00:07:43,075 And you know what, even if you were, 218 00:07:43,177 --> 00:07:44,543 you'd be the third wheel on a tricycle. 219 00:07:44,611 --> 00:07:45,744 You know what happens when you lose 220 00:07:45,846 --> 00:07:47,245 the third wheel of a tricycle? 221 00:07:47,347 --> 00:07:49,347 You become a bicycle, and you can go much faster. 222 00:07:49,450 --> 00:07:50,682 You know what, forget that analogy. 223 00:07:50,784 --> 00:07:52,350 I just feel like advertisers invest 224 00:07:52,453 --> 00:07:54,252 in a good product, Alex. 225 00:07:54,354 --> 00:07:57,355 Our first priority should be to make one. 226 00:07:57,458 --> 00:07:59,458 You're right. You're right. 227 00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:01,093 I'll go talk to him. 228 00:08:01,195 --> 00:08:02,861 I got to pick up my kids. 229 00:08:03,897 --> 00:08:05,530 Hey, you. 230 00:08:05,632 --> 00:08:07,766 I'm kind of thinking we should reschedule Squarespace. 231 00:08:07,868 --> 00:08:10,769 Oh ho. This is how it's gonna be, huh? 232 00:08:10,871 --> 00:08:13,505 You two used to work together, so now it's you against me. 233 00:08:13,574 --> 00:08:14,573 No. 234 00:08:14,675 --> 00:08:17,742 Al, I have real-world business expertise. 235 00:08:17,845 --> 00:08:20,145 You really gonna trust some bookworm nerd 236 00:08:20,247 --> 00:08:21,613 who wouldn't know a smart business move 237 00:08:21,715 --> 00:08:22,881 if it took her to dinner? 238 00:08:22,950 --> 00:08:25,884 Which it never would, because she gets an F in boobs. 239 00:08:25,986 --> 00:08:28,587 I'll have you know that they are A's, sir. A's. 240 00:08:28,689 --> 00:08:31,389 I'm sorry, Alex, but I cannot work with him. I quit. 241 00:08:31,492 --> 00:08:32,824 Yeah, well, good luck, Tinker Bell. 242 00:08:32,926 --> 00:08:34,092 We're gonna miss your spunk. 243 00:08:34,194 --> 00:08:35,494 No, she is not quitting. 244 00:08:35,596 --> 00:08:37,596 Okay, then I guess I'm outta here. 245 00:08:37,698 --> 00:08:39,831 No, guys! Come on, are you serious right now? 246 00:08:39,900 --> 00:08:42,567 I'm storming out this way. You storm out that way. 247 00:08:42,669 --> 00:08:44,002 Deirdre! 248 00:08:47,341 --> 00:08:49,107 Dad, you ready to go get my costume? 249 00:08:49,176 --> 00:08:51,843 Oh, hey, buddy. I'm having a little bit of a work emergency. 250 00:08:51,945 --> 00:08:53,645 Dad, don't do this to me. 251 00:08:53,747 --> 00:08:55,247 You know what, come to think of it, 252 00:08:55,349 --> 00:08:57,816 that Lincoln costume was pretty badass. 253 00:08:58,852 --> 00:09:00,418 'Sup, Schuman? 254 00:09:01,788 --> 00:09:02,988 Did you see that? 255 00:09:03,090 --> 00:09:05,837 - Was that Daniel Day-Lewis? - I'm screwed. 256 00:09:07,736 --> 00:09:09,361 Please don't be mad at me, babe. 257 00:09:09,417 --> 00:09:11,087 I'm dealing with a crisis. I owe you one. 258 00:09:11,111 --> 00:09:12,141 It's fine. 259 00:09:12,142 --> 00:09:13,930 A kid who got his law degree last Wednesday 260 00:09:13,977 --> 00:09:16,602 is covering my case, but I'm sure him asking, 261 00:09:16,657 --> 00:09:19,324 "When do I get a turn with the gavel?" isn't a bad sign. 262 00:09:19,393 --> 00:09:21,260 I know this isn't your thing, but look on the bright side. 263 00:09:21,328 --> 00:09:22,367 Maybe you'll have fun. 264 00:09:22,422 --> 00:09:24,355 Mom, there's a warlock aisle! 265 00:09:24,424 --> 00:09:26,590 - There's a warlock aisle? - I got to go. 266 00:09:26,659 --> 00:09:28,993 Ben, honey, you just got to pick something. 267 00:09:29,062 --> 00:09:30,628 We still have five more errands to run! 268 00:09:30,697 --> 00:09:32,399 Stop rushing me! 269 00:09:32,477 --> 00:09:34,276 Why is he taking so long? 270 00:09:34,345 --> 00:09:37,179 He's an old man trapped in a child's body. 271 00:09:37,248 --> 00:09:38,914 God! I wish Dad were here. 272 00:09:38,983 --> 00:09:40,382 Yeah... you and me both. 273 00:09:42,086 --> 00:09:44,353 This is a place for joy and laughter. 274 00:09:44,422 --> 00:09:46,622 I know. I know it is. 275 00:09:46,691 --> 00:09:47,923 I'm a great mom, okay? 276 00:09:47,992 --> 00:09:49,492 I'm just... I'm supposed to be in court. 277 00:09:49,527 --> 00:09:51,193 Me too. 278 00:09:51,262 --> 00:09:52,995 Shhhhh. 279 00:09:53,030 --> 00:09:55,397 Ben, sweetheart. You take all the time you need. 280 00:09:55,466 --> 00:09:57,533 We are gonna find you the perfect costume. 281 00:09:58,731 --> 00:10:00,782 - Gracias, señora. - De nada. 282 00:10:00,851 --> 00:10:03,051 Guys, neither of you can quit, okay? 283 00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:04,686 Is this really about the tippy chair? 284 00:10:04,788 --> 00:10:07,255 'Cause I'll take the stupid tippy chair, okay? 285 00:10:07,357 --> 00:10:08,957 And P.S.... it's not even broken. 286 00:10:08,992 --> 00:10:10,659 All you got to do is pull on this little lever thingy... 287 00:10:10,761 --> 00:10:12,327 Gaah! 288 00:10:12,396 --> 00:10:14,329 Okay, that chair is broken. 289 00:10:14,431 --> 00:10:17,165 Look, Al, with all due respect to Little Miss Sunshine, 290 00:10:17,267 --> 00:10:18,433 if I give up on this, she'll think she can 291 00:10:18,469 --> 00:10:20,202 always just whine her way to victory. 292 00:10:20,270 --> 00:10:22,437 - Oh, I haven't even begun to whine. - I told you both... 293 00:10:22,506 --> 00:10:23,672 I want this to be the kind of place 294 00:10:23,740 --> 00:10:26,074 where we talk things through and decide together. 295 00:10:26,110 --> 00:10:28,743 I don't want to be some tyrannical leader like... 296 00:10:28,812 --> 00:10:31,552 - Napoleon! - Napoleon! Nailed it. I'll go pay. 297 00:10:31,599 --> 00:10:33,900 Mom! Dad would be debating the pros and cons 298 00:10:34,002 --> 00:10:35,868 of each costume with me. 299 00:10:35,937 --> 00:10:36,903 Okay. 300 00:10:37,005 --> 00:10:38,638 Uh... 301 00:10:38,740 --> 00:10:41,474 Pros... you look so handsome. 302 00:10:41,576 --> 00:10:43,476 You've tried on 67 other costumes, 303 00:10:43,511 --> 00:10:47,780 and, uh, Napoleon was a very interesting historical figure. 304 00:10:47,849 --> 00:10:51,217 Con... Napoleon was a megalomaniacal dictator 305 00:10:51,286 --> 00:10:52,885 who reintroduced slavery to Haiti. 306 00:10:54,956 --> 00:10:56,556 Thanks a lot, Donna. 307 00:10:56,658 --> 00:10:58,124 - No worries. - Ugh! Ben! 308 00:10:58,193 --> 00:11:00,026 I can't do this, okay? 309 00:11:00,128 --> 00:11:01,494 I'm no good at it. 310 00:11:01,563 --> 00:11:03,896 I mean, what would your dad be doing right now? 311 00:11:03,965 --> 00:11:06,499 He'd probably be telling me who his heroes are. 312 00:11:08,470 --> 00:11:11,204 - Who are your heroes? - Well... 313 00:11:11,306 --> 00:11:13,539 Okay, so, the trust falls were a bust. 314 00:11:13,608 --> 00:11:16,275 Let's try another round of "When you, I feel." 315 00:11:16,344 --> 00:11:17,510 I'll go first. 316 00:11:17,579 --> 00:11:20,980 When you two fight, I feel sad. 317 00:11:21,049 --> 00:11:22,882 Eddie? 318 00:11:22,951 --> 00:11:25,385 When you talk, I feel like you're an idiot. 319 00:11:26,354 --> 00:11:28,755 When you breathe, I wish that you wouldn't. 320 00:11:28,823 --> 00:11:30,590 - She didn't say "feel." I win. - He is not doing this right! 321 00:11:30,625 --> 00:11:32,025 - It is not a competition, you two! - Put her out of her misery. 322 00:11:32,060 --> 00:11:33,326 Hey! Hi! 323 00:11:33,395 --> 00:11:35,428 There's no arguing in the common areas. 324 00:11:35,530 --> 00:11:36,929 Read the sign! 325 00:11:36,998 --> 00:11:38,297 W-We're sorry. We're sorry. 326 00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:39,766 You know what, she's right. 327 00:11:39,801 --> 00:11:42,135 Sometimes when my kids are arguing, I just walk away, 328 00:11:42,203 --> 00:11:43,770 and they mysteriously work it out. 329 00:11:43,872 --> 00:11:46,172 So I'm gonna go home and read to Soraya 330 00:11:46,241 --> 00:11:48,174 while you two figure out who's gonna cancel their meeting. 331 00:11:48,276 --> 00:11:50,810 I'll be ready for either one in the morning. Okay? 332 00:12:00,354 --> 00:12:02,555 "If you're reading this, you can tell I'm asleep. 333 00:12:02,624 --> 00:12:05,591 What you can't tell is, I'm mad!" 334 00:12:08,496 --> 00:12:10,363 I'm so sorry, baby. 335 00:12:10,432 --> 00:12:13,232 I'm so sorry. I'm a bad daddy. 336 00:12:13,334 --> 00:12:14,901 I'm so sorry. 337 00:12:19,074 --> 00:12:20,573 I missed her... again. 338 00:12:20,675 --> 00:12:22,108 Well, it's only two days. 339 00:12:22,177 --> 00:12:23,576 You'll have plenty of chances to read to her. 340 00:12:23,645 --> 00:12:25,845 Not if I can't get Eddie and Deirdre to work together. 341 00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:27,280 I thought this was gonna be a democracy, 342 00:12:27,315 --> 00:12:29,182 where we make big decisions together 343 00:12:29,250 --> 00:12:32,919 and eat lunch together and steal Hulu together. 344 00:12:32,987 --> 00:12:34,554 By the way, who walks away from a trust fall? 345 00:12:34,622 --> 00:12:35,588 I trusted them. 346 00:12:35,690 --> 00:12:36,956 Does it make it better or worse 347 00:12:37,058 --> 00:12:38,491 to hear that my day went really well? 348 00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:40,626 Oh, the costume shop. I forgot to ask. How'd it go? 349 00:12:40,728 --> 00:12:42,361 - Did you find something great? - I think so. 350 00:12:42,397 --> 00:12:44,263 Just, please promise me that you'll keep an open mind. 351 00:12:44,288 --> 00:12:45,308 Of course. 352 00:12:45,333 --> 00:12:47,233 Ben, honey, come on out. 353 00:12:50,305 --> 00:12:52,071 Whoa. 354 00:12:52,140 --> 00:12:53,940 Are you going as Grandma Esther? 355 00:12:54,008 --> 00:12:56,242 - He's Eleanor Roosevelt! - Ohhhh. 356 00:12:56,311 --> 00:12:57,710 Press my button, Dad. 357 00:12:57,812 --> 00:12:58,911 Okay. 358 00:13:00,281 --> 00:13:03,316 A woman is like a tea bag. 359 00:13:03,384 --> 00:13:05,685 You can't tell how strong she is 360 00:13:05,753 --> 00:13:08,899 until you put her in hot water. 361 00:13:09,157 --> 00:13:10,189 What do you think? 362 00:13:12,627 --> 00:13:14,460 I'm having so many thoughts. 363 00:13:14,496 --> 00:13:16,596 I just... I need... I do need a quick second 364 00:13:16,664 --> 00:13:18,264 to focus in on one of them. 365 00:13:18,333 --> 00:13:20,900 Oh, darn it! I got to go change my stockings. 366 00:13:20,935 --> 00:13:23,402 Can you believe these already have a run? 367 00:13:26,941 --> 00:13:28,641 Do you know what the other kids are gonna do to him? 368 00:13:28,710 --> 00:13:30,977 He's dressed like a woman with a quote about tea bags. 369 00:13:31,045 --> 00:13:33,412 Oh, come on! He'll be fine. 370 00:13:34,415 --> 00:13:35,448 Right? 371 00:13:36,918 --> 00:13:38,317 Good morning, guys. 372 00:13:38,453 --> 00:13:40,219 - Did you agree on something? - We did. 373 00:13:40,255 --> 00:13:41,554 We agreed that one of the two meetings 374 00:13:41,623 --> 00:13:42,788 was much more important than the other. 375 00:13:42,891 --> 00:13:44,323 I knew you two could work it out. 376 00:13:44,392 --> 00:13:45,725 So, which one did you decide was more important? 377 00:13:45,827 --> 00:13:47,860 See, that, we did not agree on. 378 00:13:47,929 --> 00:13:49,695 - Wait, what? - I couldn't do it, Alex. 379 00:13:49,731 --> 00:13:51,097 This meeting means too much to the company. 380 00:13:51,166 --> 00:13:52,431 I refuse to let you down. 381 00:13:52,500 --> 00:13:54,700 I also refuse to let you down, but more so. 382 00:13:54,769 --> 00:13:57,670 So, wait. They're both on their way at the exact same time? 383 00:13:57,772 --> 00:13:58,777 What am I supposed to do, 384 00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:00,363 bounce back and forth from meeting to meeting? 385 00:14:00,441 --> 00:14:01,874 Well, if you had a good enough excuse 386 00:14:01,976 --> 00:14:03,209 to step out for a second or two. 387 00:14:03,278 --> 00:14:05,611 I was being sarcastic. This is insanity. 388 00:14:05,713 --> 00:14:06,779 I think it could work. 389 00:14:06,848 --> 00:14:08,881 I'll make up a list of excuses for you to slip out. 390 00:14:08,983 --> 00:14:10,950 No, no, no, no, no! 391 00:14:11,019 --> 00:14:12,952 I'm not gonna memorize something. 392 00:14:13,054 --> 00:14:14,954 I can't believe you two. 393 00:14:16,457 --> 00:14:20,226 You know, at Northwestern, I dabbled a bit with the improv. 394 00:14:20,295 --> 00:14:22,395 I guess I'll just go with the flow 395 00:14:22,463 --> 00:14:24,030 and see where I get... 396 00:14:26,434 --> 00:14:27,466 ...flowed to. 397 00:14:27,569 --> 00:14:29,135 Wow, amazing improv, boss. 398 00:14:29,204 --> 00:14:31,103 Yeah, it's pretty intuitive once you learn the techniques. 399 00:14:31,172 --> 00:14:33,639 I just say the first thing that comes to my mind. 400 00:14:33,708 --> 00:14:35,341 The first thing that comes to my mind. 401 00:14:35,410 --> 00:14:37,643 Table, chair, lamp. 402 00:14:37,745 --> 00:14:39,045 Uh, papers, phone. 403 00:14:40,715 --> 00:14:43,549 And we're projecting 100,000 listeners 404 00:14:43,618 --> 00:14:45,251 across all platforms, 405 00:14:45,286 --> 00:14:47,119 so that's something we're really, really excited about, 406 00:14:47,188 --> 00:14:49,255 and we hope you'll want to be involved. 407 00:14:49,324 --> 00:14:51,691 Oh. Could you excuse me just for one second? 408 00:14:51,759 --> 00:14:53,859 My... My wife is having a little bit of an issue. 409 00:14:53,928 --> 00:14:55,494 Oh. Sure. 410 00:14:55,597 --> 00:14:56,896 I'll be right back. 411 00:14:56,998 --> 00:14:58,931 He's a little antsy about having to wait, 412 00:14:59,033 --> 00:15:00,466 so turn on the charm. I don't want him to bail. 413 00:15:00,568 --> 00:15:01,934 Charm set to "Stun." 414 00:15:02,003 --> 00:15:04,270 Mr. Miller. Sorry about that. 415 00:15:04,339 --> 00:15:07,039 I'm dealing with a little bit of a childcare dilemma. 416 00:15:07,141 --> 00:15:09,108 Yikes. Childcare. 417 00:15:09,210 --> 00:15:10,910 - You know my first start-up tip? - Mm. 418 00:15:10,979 --> 00:15:13,079 I think it's selfish to build a business when you have kids. 419 00:15:13,147 --> 00:15:14,847 I think family makes you worse at your job. 420 00:15:14,916 --> 00:15:16,215 That's why I don't have any. 421 00:15:17,952 --> 00:15:19,652 - Well, I... - Neither does Alex. 422 00:15:21,322 --> 00:15:23,389 I thought you said you were having a childcare dilemma. 423 00:15:23,458 --> 00:15:25,558 - I... I am, but... - They're not his children. 424 00:15:25,627 --> 00:15:28,261 Deirdre, I can handle the talking, so thank you. 425 00:15:28,329 --> 00:15:29,795 Whose children are they? 426 00:15:29,864 --> 00:15:33,099 They're not mine. Mnh-mnh. 427 00:15:33,201 --> 00:15:35,701 The... The children were left... 428 00:15:35,803 --> 00:15:36,869 on my desk... 429 00:15:38,439 --> 00:15:39,538 ...next to my papers. 430 00:15:40,842 --> 00:15:44,944 Uh, excuse me while I deal with my orphans. 431 00:15:45,913 --> 00:15:47,446 What are you doing? You're supposed to wait in the room. 432 00:15:47,515 --> 00:15:49,282 She's trying to leave. I ran out of small talk. 433 00:15:49,350 --> 00:15:50,916 We got to improv hard. Come in hot. 434 00:15:50,985 --> 00:15:53,052 I'm coming in hot. 435 00:15:53,154 --> 00:15:54,987 We are so sorry. 436 00:15:55,089 --> 00:15:56,722 - His wife's in the hospital. - What? 437 00:15:56,824 --> 00:15:58,758 No. No, she's not. 438 00:15:58,860 --> 00:16:00,293 Yes, she is. You can tell them. 439 00:16:00,395 --> 00:16:01,427 Oh, God! 440 00:16:01,529 --> 00:16:04,397 It's just a tiny... bone thing. 441 00:16:04,499 --> 00:16:06,899 - She broke a bone? - Well, not a major bone. 442 00:16:06,968 --> 00:16:08,467 I'd say both legs are pretty major. 443 00:16:08,569 --> 00:16:09,602 Eddie, what are you... 444 00:16:09,704 --> 00:16:11,037 Aah! Aah! 445 00:16:11,139 --> 00:16:14,640 Sorry. I'm so... That is... That's my assistant with... 446 00:16:14,742 --> 00:16:16,275 Probably with an update on those legs. 447 00:16:16,377 --> 00:16:17,476 What? 448 00:16:17,578 --> 00:16:19,612 Why are you in the window? I just sat down in there. 449 00:16:19,714 --> 00:16:21,314 He's about to walk. We are at DEFCON 10! 450 00:16:21,416 --> 00:16:22,415 There is no DEFCON 10! 451 00:16:22,517 --> 00:16:25,651 Okay, everything's okay with my wife. 452 00:16:25,753 --> 00:16:27,353 Your wife? I thought you said 453 00:16:27,455 --> 00:16:28,921 you were taking care of some stranger's kids. 454 00:16:29,023 --> 00:16:29,989 I, uh... 455 00:16:30,091 --> 00:16:31,724 - Table! Chair! Lamp! - What? 456 00:16:31,826 --> 00:16:33,592 This is not working. 457 00:16:33,695 --> 00:16:35,661 Mr. Miller, I have to be honest with you. 458 00:16:35,763 --> 00:16:37,630 Aah! 459 00:16:37,732 --> 00:16:38,870 Oh, God. 460 00:16:40,701 --> 00:16:42,820 Wait, you're telling me your plan was to do 461 00:16:42,875 --> 00:16:44,867 the thing from "Mrs. Doubtfire"? 462 00:16:44,930 --> 00:16:46,663 - That didn't even work in the movie. - I know. 463 00:16:46,698 --> 00:16:49,466 I should never have left those two alone to figure it out. 464 00:16:49,534 --> 00:16:51,668 I was trying to make it home to read to Soraya. 465 00:16:51,703 --> 00:16:53,203 Maybe that guy Jack Miller is right. 466 00:16:53,272 --> 00:16:55,105 Maybe this is why you shouldn't start a company 467 00:16:55,173 --> 00:16:56,906 when you're a 37-year-old dad. 468 00:16:57,009 --> 00:16:59,843 Hey, we're all doing stuff we're not used to doing. 469 00:16:59,878 --> 00:17:03,079 You know, I was sort of resentful these past few days 470 00:17:03,148 --> 00:17:05,415 because you put all this new stuff on my plate, 471 00:17:05,517 --> 00:17:08,718 but I realized I was just feeling insecure. 472 00:17:08,754 --> 00:17:11,187 Eddie and Deirdre are just like you and me. 473 00:17:11,256 --> 00:17:13,556 We're all scared we're not gonna be able to handle this, 474 00:17:13,625 --> 00:17:15,292 but guess what. 475 00:17:15,394 --> 00:17:16,493 I think we are. 476 00:17:17,896 --> 00:17:18,762 Check this out. 477 00:17:34,112 --> 00:17:35,178 Wait, he won?! 478 00:17:35,247 --> 00:17:37,947 Yeah, I won! With Mom's idea! 479 00:17:39,318 --> 00:17:40,917 Congrats, buddy. 480 00:17:40,986 --> 00:17:42,819 Show me some of the other kids. You know... the losers. 481 00:17:42,888 --> 00:17:44,087 Okay. Hold on. 482 00:17:45,390 --> 00:17:47,657 The only real valuable thing 483 00:17:47,726 --> 00:17:49,459 is intuition. 484 00:17:49,561 --> 00:17:51,027 You get a car! 485 00:17:51,129 --> 00:17:53,063 You get a car! You get a car! 486 00:17:54,166 --> 00:17:55,932 Aren't these costumes amazing? 487 00:17:56,034 --> 00:17:57,133 Wait, wait. Press Ben's button. 488 00:17:57,235 --> 00:17:58,435 Oh, yeah. Hold on one second. 489 00:18:01,306 --> 00:18:03,506 I can't tell you how to succeed, 490 00:18:03,608 --> 00:18:05,608 but I can tell you how to fail. 491 00:18:06,945 --> 00:18:09,846 Try to please everybody. 492 00:18:13,251 --> 00:18:15,185 Thanks, Eleanor. I got to go. 493 00:18:15,220 --> 00:18:17,287 - You can book all the CEOs you want. - Okay, this is ridiculous. 494 00:18:17,356 --> 00:18:19,022 - If we don't have an advertiser, we're not... - Hey, did they leave yet? 495 00:18:19,124 --> 00:18:20,757 Yeah, but I think they're still downstairs. 496 00:18:20,859 --> 00:18:22,726 Okay, go get them all and put them in the conference room. 497 00:18:22,819 --> 00:18:24,719 I'm gonna do both meetings together. 498 00:18:24,763 --> 00:18:26,229 - Al, I think that ship has sailed. - He's not gonna want to be a show pony. 499 00:18:26,298 --> 00:18:28,331 That's my decision! 500 00:18:28,433 --> 00:18:30,166 - Damn. - Alex. 501 00:18:30,235 --> 00:18:32,402 Guys, sit down for a second, please. 502 00:18:36,174 --> 00:18:38,508 I know you think you don't have anything in common, okay? 503 00:18:38,577 --> 00:18:40,210 But here's something you do have in common. 504 00:18:40,278 --> 00:18:43,213 You both want this company to succeed. 505 00:18:43,281 --> 00:18:45,415 I want your passion. I-I do. 506 00:18:45,517 --> 00:18:47,951 I-I want you to care so much 507 00:18:48,019 --> 00:18:49,753 that you refuse to change your meeting. 508 00:18:49,855 --> 00:18:51,755 But in the end, someone is gonna have to decide 509 00:18:51,857 --> 00:18:53,356 which direction we're heading. 510 00:18:53,458 --> 00:18:56,359 And from here on out, that someone is gonna be me. 511 00:18:56,461 --> 00:18:57,961 Now, go get all those people 512 00:18:58,063 --> 00:19:00,430 and put them in the conference room now. 513 00:19:07,072 --> 00:19:08,271 And that was how, 514 00:19:08,373 --> 00:19:10,373 with the help of a little boy in kitten heels, 515 00:19:10,442 --> 00:19:14,644 I figured out that all I really had to do was lead. 516 00:19:14,746 --> 00:19:16,112 Once Eddie and Deirdre understood 517 00:19:16,181 --> 00:19:18,982 that this wasn't quite a democracy, they relaxed 518 00:19:19,050 --> 00:19:20,950 and started working together. 519 00:19:21,052 --> 00:19:22,952 The three of us were able to show the advertisers 520 00:19:23,021 --> 00:19:27,557 and Jack Miller that this was exactly what our show would be. 521 00:19:27,592 --> 00:19:29,492 By the end, we'd sold everyone. 522 00:19:34,466 --> 00:19:36,065 But you know what? 523 00:19:36,168 --> 00:19:39,235 That wasn't even the best part of my day. 524 00:19:50,916 --> 00:19:52,248 "If you're reading this, 525 00:19:52,350 --> 00:19:54,451 that means you're about to be tickled!" 526 00:19:54,553 --> 00:19:56,453 I gotcha! I gotcha! 527 00:20:00,225 --> 00:20:02,792 And even now, lying here, I can't stop thinking 528 00:20:02,894 --> 00:20:04,594 about what Jack Miller said... 529 00:20:04,663 --> 00:20:07,564 about how having a family makes you worse at your job. 530 00:20:07,666 --> 00:20:09,666 I wish I could tell him he's wrong. 531 00:20:09,768 --> 00:20:12,335 I wish I could walk up to him and say, "Hey, Jack, 532 00:20:12,437 --> 00:20:14,170 you're missing out. 533 00:20:14,239 --> 00:20:18,274 Because today, I succeeded not in spite of my family, 534 00:20:18,376 --> 00:20:19,676 but because of them." 535 00:20:19,701 --> 00:20:20,654 Shh! 536 00:20:20,679 --> 00:20:21,711 Sorry, honey. 537 00:20:23,114 --> 00:20:24,848 Gotta go. Bye. 538 00:20:26,291 --> 00:20:28,319 Knit one, purl one. 539 00:20:28,397 --> 00:20:31,507 Knit one, purl two. 540 00:20:31,562 --> 00:20:34,363 Knit one, purl one. 541 00:20:34,465 --> 00:20:38,067 Knit one... you guessed it... purl two. 542 00:20:38,169 --> 00:20:40,744 Wouldn't this be easier to learn from YouTube?! 543 00:20:40,807 --> 00:20:42,206 What's YouTube? 544 00:20:42,308 --> 00:20:45,109 You guys! Look how amazing this new chair is. 545 00:20:45,211 --> 00:20:47,011 It rolls so fast. 546 00:20:47,113 --> 00:20:49,313 Guys, watch. I'll get a running start. 547 00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:55,286 Next, we should make a onesie. 548 00:20:55,388 --> 00:20:57,221 For an adult or a baby?! 549 00:20:57,289 --> 00:20:58,222 Adult. 550 00:20:58,324 --> 00:20:59,555 I'm in! 551 00:20:59,579 --> 00:21:03,779 Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.MY-SUBS.com