00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162
Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
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00:00:00,695 --> 00:00:03,129
(upbeat march plays)
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00:00:03,386 --> 00:00:06,222
♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
3
00:00:06,289 --> 00:00:10,092
♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
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00:00:10,160 --> 00:00:13,028
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
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00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:17,199
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
6
00:00:19,302 --> 00:00:22,805
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
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00:00:22,873 --> 00:00:24,673
♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
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00:00:24,741 --> 00:00:26,375
Aah!
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00:00:26,443 --> 00:00:30,713
American Dad 5x18
Great Space Roaster
Original Air Date on May 16, 2010
10
00:00:30,723 --> 00:00:34,423
-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
-- for MY-SUBS.com --
11
00:00:36,019 --> 00:00:38,120
Oh, my God!
We've been robbed!
12
00:00:38,188 --> 00:00:39,822
Come on out,
you thieving bastards!
13
00:00:39,890 --> 00:00:42,124
Dad!
Hayley, you were elected
family gun shield
14
00:00:42,192 --> 00:00:43,492
at the last family meeting.
15
00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:45,561
You're also in charge
of the Netflix queue.
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00:00:45,629 --> 00:00:46,996
Just know this:
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00:00:47,063 --> 00:00:49,431
I never don't want to have
Kindergarten Cop.
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00:00:49,499 --> 00:00:51,233
(Francine gasps)
(groans)
19
00:00:51,301 --> 00:00:52,968
Roger, did you see who did this?
20
00:00:53,036 --> 00:00:55,104
Yeah. I did this.
I was looking for clues
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00:00:55,171 --> 00:00:56,805
to where you're throwing
my birthday party.
22
00:00:56,873 --> 00:00:58,440
Found nothing,
so I took a nap.
23
00:00:58,508 --> 00:01:00,876
Roger, we wanted it
to be a surprise.
24
00:01:00,944 --> 00:01:03,045
We're throwing you
a bowling party!
25
00:01:03,113 --> 00:01:05,915
Oh, a bowling party!
How original!
26
00:01:05,982 --> 00:01:08,684
Apparently, I'm a
13-year-old Latino kid.
27
00:01:08,752 --> 00:01:10,352
Well, what do you
want to do?
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00:01:10,420 --> 00:01:12,221
Something good.
I mean, you rented out
29
00:01:12,289 --> 00:01:14,156
the amphitheater
for Steve's birthday.
30
00:01:14,224 --> 00:01:15,891
We went to
a 4 Non Blondes concert.
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00:01:15,959 --> 00:01:17,927
It's not our fault
we were the only ones there.
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00:01:17,994 --> 00:01:19,662
You took Hayley skydiving.
33
00:01:19,729 --> 00:01:21,463
Stan got four
pairs of jeans.
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00:01:21,531 --> 00:01:23,165
I guess you had to come out of
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00:01:23,233 --> 00:01:25,568
or regularly visit
Francine's clown hole
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00:01:25,635 --> 00:01:26,902
to matter around this place!
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00:01:26,970 --> 00:01:28,504
It is a happening spot.
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00:01:28,572 --> 00:01:30,339
I want to do
something special.
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00:01:30,407 --> 00:01:31,907
I'm turning 1,601.
40
00:01:31,975 --> 00:01:34,276
It's when I hit puberty.
Warning, I'm gonna get
41
00:01:34,344 --> 00:01:36,045
a lot more
sexually aggressive.
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00:01:36,112 --> 00:01:37,346
You have
any suggestions?
43
00:01:37,414 --> 00:01:39,181
Uh, yeah, everyone
should avoid wearing
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00:01:39,249 --> 00:01:40,449
loose-fitting shorts
around me.
45
00:01:40,517 --> 00:01:42,518
I'll get in there!
(chuckles)
46
00:01:42,586 --> 00:01:44,954
But seriously, I want to do
what the greats do
47
00:01:45,021 --> 00:01:47,056
when they get celebrated:
I want a roast!
48
00:01:47,123 --> 00:01:48,891
Roger, do you even know
what a roast is?
49
00:01:48,959 --> 00:01:50,593
Of course I do!
I was a member
50
00:01:50,660 --> 00:01:52,194
of the Friars Club
in the '60s.
51
00:01:52,262 --> 00:01:53,395
I drove Phyllis Diller
52
00:01:53,463 --> 00:01:55,064
to two of her first
three abortions.
53
00:01:55,131 --> 00:01:56,832
She must have such regrets,
54
00:01:56,900 --> 00:01:58,734
never getting
her driver's license.
55
00:01:58,802 --> 00:02:00,269
I guess we
can do that.
56
00:02:00,337 --> 00:02:03,105
We'll dress up nice, throw a few
good-natured barbs your way.
57
00:02:03,173 --> 00:02:04,340
Good-natured?
58
00:02:04,407 --> 00:02:06,942
Oh, no, don't you dare
go light on me!
59
00:02:07,010 --> 00:02:09,311
The best roasts are
brutal and hilarious.
60
00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:10,779
Oh, I think it'll be fun.
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00:02:10,847 --> 00:02:12,481
You can't participate,
Klaus. I hate you.
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00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:15,384
I say that not out of anger,
but simply as a fact.
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00:02:15,452 --> 00:02:17,486
It's 67 degrees outside,
and I hate you.
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00:02:17,554 --> 00:02:19,254
Well, if that's what
you really want,
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00:02:19,322 --> 00:02:20,789
then of course
we'll do it.
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00:02:20,857 --> 00:02:22,625
Make it so, Fran-cisco.
(chuckles)
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00:02:22,692 --> 00:02:24,059
Now, if you'll excuse me,
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00:02:24,127 --> 00:02:25,894
I have my
bowling league tonight.
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00:02:28,765 --> 00:02:32,334
(Latin accent):
I'm-a roll a turkey
tonight, ese.
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00:02:35,872 --> 00:02:37,706
Settle down, everyone.
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00:02:37,774 --> 00:02:39,875
Who threw that?
MAN:
Your mother's ass!
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00:02:39,943 --> 00:02:41,677
(snaps fingers)
73
00:02:41,745 --> 00:02:43,779
Due to recent
financial hardships,
74
00:02:43,847 --> 00:02:47,583
the CIA has been forced
to take on a corporate sponsor.
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00:02:47,651 --> 00:02:49,251
That sponsor is
76
00:02:49,319 --> 00:02:52,054
Jones Enterprises,
makers of the Chia Pet.
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00:02:52,122 --> 00:02:54,657
So from now on,
we'll be known
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00:02:54,724 --> 00:02:57,393
as the Central Human
Intelligence Agency.
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00:02:57,460 --> 00:02:59,695
(squeaking, whirring)
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00:02:59,763 --> 00:03:00,896
Frank!
81
00:03:00,964 --> 00:03:02,498
Just let him go.
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00:03:02,565 --> 00:03:05,334
The Chia Pet people
are sending a CIA family
83
00:03:05,402 --> 00:03:07,169
into space
for one year
84
00:03:07,237 --> 00:03:09,705
to see if Chia seeds
grow up there.
85
00:03:09,773 --> 00:03:12,775
The dream of an
afro on the moon
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00:03:12,842 --> 00:03:14,877
is within our
grasp, people!
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00:03:14,944 --> 00:03:16,779
MAN:
Looks like
your wife's (bleep).
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00:03:16,846 --> 00:03:19,281
Kruger, you just got
yourself a month in Kabul!
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00:03:19,349 --> 00:03:20,716
Now...
(clears throat)
90
00:03:20,784 --> 00:03:22,518
the agent chosen
for this mission
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00:03:22,585 --> 00:03:24,586
was not only the most qualified,
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00:03:24,654 --> 00:03:27,456
he also sold the most
magazine subscriptions.
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00:03:27,524 --> 00:03:30,893
Congratulations,
Sanders!
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00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,728
(polite applause)
Can't you even smile?
95
00:03:32,796 --> 00:03:34,496
I don't have
any friends in space!
96
00:03:34,564 --> 00:03:36,298
You're friends
with your sister!
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00:03:36,366 --> 00:03:38,867
(band plays lively music)
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00:03:38,935 --> 00:03:41,370
Good evening, and welcome
to the Smith family roast
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00:03:41,438 --> 00:03:42,638
of Roger Smith.
100
00:03:42,706 --> 00:03:43,939
Say mean things, Stan!
101
00:03:44,007 --> 00:03:45,607
Talk about how he's gray!
102
00:03:45,675 --> 00:03:47,776
You ready, Roger?
103
00:03:47,844 --> 00:03:50,813
Roger is truly one of the most
interesting people I know.
104
00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:52,614
He's also
a pathetic drug addict.
105
00:03:52,682 --> 00:03:54,783
(laughter)
106
00:03:54,851 --> 00:03:56,785
Now, I'm gonna read a list
of different drugs,
107
00:03:56,853 --> 00:03:59,121
and, Roger, if you hear one
you're not on right now,
108
00:03:59,189 --> 00:04:00,656
raise your hand.
109
00:04:00,724 --> 00:04:03,892
"Cocaine. Heroin.
Ecstasy. Crack.
110
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:06,428
"OxyContin. Meth.
Steroids.
111
00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:08,063
"Cooked-down Afrin.
112
00:04:08,131 --> 00:04:10,432
Euphoria, the fake
drug from 90210."
113
00:04:10,500 --> 00:04:12,601
(loud laughter)
114
00:04:12,669 --> 00:04:14,536
Okay, next I'd like
to introduce a woman
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00:04:14,604 --> 00:04:16,505
who is in a rare group
for Roger--
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00:04:16,573 --> 00:04:18,407
one who hasn't (bleep) him
with a (bleep).
117
00:04:18,475 --> 00:04:19,575
Ho-ho!
118
00:04:19,642 --> 00:04:21,744
Let's hear it
for Francine Smith!
119
00:04:21,811 --> 00:04:23,412
(applause)
120
00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:24,913
(laughs):
Oh, thank you, Stan.
121
00:04:24,981 --> 00:04:28,751
Roger, you're the most
disgusting, out-of-shape
122
00:04:28,818 --> 00:04:31,620
piece of (bleep) I've
ever met in my life.
123
00:04:31,688 --> 00:04:33,655
And I know Sammy Hagar.
124
00:04:33,723 --> 00:04:35,824
(laughing raucously)
125
00:04:35,892 --> 00:04:38,627
(laughing)
126
00:04:38,695 --> 00:04:41,330
A few years ago, we thought
it would be a good idea
127
00:04:41,397 --> 00:04:42,631
to get Roger a
checking account
128
00:04:42,699 --> 00:04:44,066
to teach him
responsibility.
129
00:04:44,134 --> 00:04:45,467
Here's what
old Rog did.
130
00:04:45,535 --> 00:04:47,269
Here's check 001,
131
00:04:47,337 --> 00:04:49,404
the only check
Roger ever wrote.
132
00:04:49,472 --> 00:04:51,774
(Stan laughing)
Please note that
in the date line
133
00:04:51,841 --> 00:04:54,943
he's written:
"Today comma 1783."
134
00:04:55,011 --> 00:04:57,746
It's made out for the
amount of $72 million,
135
00:04:57,814 --> 00:04:59,748
and it's payable
to "Drugs."
136
00:04:59,816 --> 00:05:01,950
(family laughing)
On the memo line,
it says:
137
00:05:02,018 --> 00:05:03,252
"For drugs, yo,"
138
00:05:03,319 --> 00:05:05,087
and it's signed
"John Travolta."
139
00:05:05,155 --> 00:05:07,156
(laughing loudly)
140
00:05:09,092 --> 00:05:11,827
Anyway, this was the
only check he ever wrote.
141
00:05:11,895 --> 00:05:14,163
The rest of the checks
have holes in them,
142
00:05:14,230 --> 00:05:17,032
because Roger got
drunk and raped them.
143
00:05:17,100 --> 00:05:20,302
(family laughing uncontrollably)
144
00:05:20,370 --> 00:05:22,938
Roger's June 4 diary entry.
145
00:05:23,006 --> 00:05:24,840
It says: "Million-dollar ideas."
146
00:05:24,908 --> 00:05:27,342
And under it, it reads:
"Diarrhea equals Rhea Perlman."
147
00:05:27,410 --> 00:05:28,677
STAN (laughing):
No-ho-ho-ho!
148
00:05:28,745 --> 00:05:30,813
The rest of the pages
have holes in them
149
00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:32,114
because he raped them.
150
00:05:32,182 --> 00:05:33,882
(family laughing)
151
00:05:33,950 --> 00:05:36,685
(chuckling)
152
00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:39,288
All right, it's time to hear
from the man of the hour.
153
00:05:39,355 --> 00:05:40,956
Roger, you drunk, lazy (bleep),
154
00:05:41,024 --> 00:05:43,826
get the waiter's (bleep) out
of your mouth and get up here!
155
00:05:43,893 --> 00:05:46,395
(band playing lively music)
156
00:05:49,532 --> 00:05:51,133
(music fades out)
157
00:05:51,201 --> 00:05:53,836
(voice wavering):
Why? Why would you do this?
158
00:05:53,903 --> 00:05:57,372
What... what did I ever do
to any of you to make you say
159
00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,708
those incredibly hurtful things?
160
00:05:59,776 --> 00:06:01,243
Are you serious?
161
00:06:01,311 --> 00:06:03,078
Does it look like
I'm not serious?!
162
00:06:03,146 --> 00:06:04,847
Roger, this is
what you asked for.
163
00:06:04,914 --> 00:06:06,381
You stay away
from me, Francine!
164
00:06:06,449 --> 00:06:08,283
All of you
stay away from me!
165
00:06:08,351 --> 00:06:11,286
This has been the worst night
of my entire life!
166
00:06:11,354 --> 00:06:13,956
(sobbing loudly)
167
00:06:19,158 --> 00:06:20,191
Morning.
168
00:06:20,194 --> 00:06:21,494
Roger!
Where have you been?
169
00:06:21,562 --> 00:06:23,096
We haven't seen you
in days!
170
00:06:23,164 --> 00:06:24,631
Getting my life together--
that's where.
171
00:06:24,699 --> 00:06:27,200
Those comments you made
the other night resonated in me,
172
00:06:27,268 --> 00:06:29,569
and I decided it was time
for a change.
173
00:06:29,637 --> 00:06:31,538
We didn't say those things
so you'd change.
174
00:06:31,605 --> 00:06:32,939
We were just poking fun.
175
00:06:33,007 --> 00:06:35,542
Well, the person you described
in graphic detail
176
00:06:35,609 --> 00:06:38,578
and in decent joke form
is not someone I want to be.
177
00:06:38,646 --> 00:06:41,314
I got a job at a bank,
which should address
178
00:06:41,382 --> 00:06:42,949
the monetary problem
Hayley pointed out,
179
00:06:43,017 --> 00:06:44,651
and I'm also
three days sober.
180
00:06:44,719 --> 00:06:47,320
Stan, thank you for that
very loud wake-up call.
181
00:06:47,388 --> 00:06:49,122
Who's that positive
girl with you?
182
00:06:49,190 --> 00:06:50,690
This is Ally,
my life coach.
183
00:06:50,758 --> 00:06:52,325
She also works
at Jumbo Juice.
184
00:06:52,393 --> 00:06:55,361
She gave me a fiber boost.
Then she gave me a life boost.
185
00:06:55,429 --> 00:06:58,898
(squealing-laughing)
186
00:06:58,966 --> 00:07:00,300
(squealing yell)
187
00:07:00,367 --> 00:07:01,868
She has weird energy,
doesn't she?
188
00:07:01,936 --> 00:07:03,570
She also made me
a goal list.
189
00:07:03,637 --> 00:07:05,638
This is the first piece of paper
190
00:07:05,706 --> 00:07:07,273
I haven't sexually
assaulted in years.
191
00:07:07,341 --> 00:07:10,043
So... you're not mad
at us anymore?
192
00:07:10,111 --> 00:07:12,212
God, no!
You saved my life!
193
00:07:12,279 --> 00:07:15,148
Okay, because you were madder
than we've ever seen you,
194
00:07:15,216 --> 00:07:17,550
and you do have a history
of holding grudges.
195
00:07:17,618 --> 00:07:18,885
What? No, I don't.
196
00:07:18,953 --> 00:07:20,720
You wrote death threats
to Merlin Oln
197
00:07:20,788 --> 00:07:22,756
for seven years after
Father Murphy was cancelled.
198
00:07:22,823 --> 00:07:24,257
He was just
the star, Roger.
199
00:07:24,325 --> 00:07:26,893
That was the old me.
I'm done with all that.
200
00:07:26,961 --> 00:07:29,929
And by the way, Merlin
had a producer credit
the second season.
201
00:07:29,997 --> 00:07:31,064
He could have done
something.
202
00:07:33,868 --> 00:07:36,035
Ah, I'm off for
a little night run
203
00:07:36,103 --> 00:07:37,437
at the Howard
University track.
204
00:07:37,505 --> 00:07:39,472
Sit down and
have dinner first.
205
00:07:39,540 --> 00:07:41,074
Thank you, no.
I'm going for a run,
206
00:07:41,142 --> 00:07:43,309
and I have to leave here
right now, immediately.
207
00:07:43,377 --> 00:07:44,911
KLAUS:
Guys, get in here!
208
00:07:44,979 --> 00:07:47,514
The porn channel's
cong in for some reason!
209
00:07:47,581 --> 00:07:49,149
(porn movie music playing)
210
00:07:49,216 --> 00:07:50,316
Nice.
211
00:07:50,384 --> 00:07:52,852
(all coughing)
212
00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:54,254
Is everyone okay?
213
00:07:54,321 --> 00:07:56,089
Did we lose the porn?
214
00:07:56,157 --> 00:07:57,891
There must have been
a gas leak!
215
00:07:57,958 --> 00:07:59,559
We could have all
been killed.
216
00:07:59,627 --> 00:08:02,328
You know, Roger sure
did leave in a hurry.
217
00:08:02,396 --> 00:08:04,931
You... you don't think
Roger had something to do
218
00:08:04,999 --> 00:08:06,466
with the explosion!
219
00:08:06,534 --> 00:08:07,834
Because of the roast?
220
00:08:07,902 --> 00:08:10,236
Guys, you heard him: we inspired
him to better himself.
221
00:08:10,304 --> 00:08:11,971
Still, to be safe,
we should follow him.
222
00:08:12,039 --> 00:08:13,306
You know, just to see
223
00:08:13,374 --> 00:08:15,275
if he's doing all the
things he says he is.
224
00:08:19,747 --> 00:08:20,847
...and $300.
225
00:08:20,915 --> 00:08:22,816
Have a good one.
226
00:08:22,883 --> 00:08:25,819
Hey, Liz, I'm thinking about
going to Nordstrom's at lunch.
227
00:08:25,886 --> 00:08:27,921
Do you want to grab a sandwich
228
00:08:27,988 --> 00:08:30,023
and walk around Nordstrom's
at lunch, Elizabeth?
229
00:08:35,529 --> 00:08:38,331
(panting)
230
00:08:45,806 --> 00:08:47,874
You know, the other day
I took a walk
231
00:08:47,942 --> 00:08:49,442
down to George C. Scott Park
232
00:08:49,510 --> 00:08:51,077
right when the sun
was going down.
233
00:08:51,145 --> 00:08:52,879
You know how that time is like.
234
00:08:52,947 --> 00:08:55,014
Sun throwing shadows and all.
235
00:08:55,082 --> 00:08:57,283
Got me thinking about
when I was a young man
236
00:08:57,351 --> 00:08:59,552
sitting in that park,
you know, watching the girls,
237
00:08:59,620 --> 00:09:01,955
smoking a little herb,
drinking a cold beer.
238
00:09:02,022 --> 00:09:05,725
And I had this moment when
I wanted to feel that way agn.
239
00:09:07,094 --> 00:09:08,728
But I didn't get high.
240
00:09:08,796 --> 00:09:11,464
Instead, I went home
and watched The Wire.
241
00:09:11,532 --> 00:09:13,266
That's where
this speech is from.
242
00:09:13,334 --> 00:09:14,767
Thanks for letting me share.
243
00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:21,441
(family laughing)
244
00:09:21,508 --> 00:09:23,376
You guys thought
I tried to kill you?
245
00:09:23,444 --> 00:09:24,777
Hilarious!
246
00:09:24,845 --> 00:09:27,413
(laughter)
247
00:09:27,481 --> 00:09:29,649
It's so therapeutic
to laugh.
248
00:09:29,717 --> 00:09:32,118
Hey, does anyone have
the exact time?
249
00:09:32,186 --> 00:09:33,786
8:04.
Thank you,
my love.
250
00:09:33,854 --> 00:09:35,255
Ow. Ow.
251
00:09:35,322 --> 00:09:37,957
Oh, my running regimen
is killing my lower back.
252
00:09:38,025 --> 00:09:39,259
(groans)
I got to lie down.
253
00:09:39,326 --> 00:09:41,494
(automatic gunfire)
254
00:09:41,562 --> 00:09:44,530
You guys can get up now!
It's definitely over!
255
00:09:44,598 --> 00:09:46,299
(artillery fire booming)
256
00:09:46,367 --> 00:09:47,734
(final gunshot)
257
00:09:47,801 --> 00:09:50,036
You were right!
Someone is trying to kill us!
258
00:09:50,104 --> 00:09:53,706
Let's get out of here!
Get in the car! Let's go!
259
00:09:53,774 --> 00:09:55,909
(tires squeal)
260
00:09:55,976 --> 00:09:57,610
I think we're safe.
261
00:09:57,678 --> 00:09:59,279
Quick thinking
back there, Roger.
262
00:09:59,346 --> 00:10:00,380
Roger?
263
00:10:00,447 --> 00:10:01,748
(no audio)
264
00:10:01,815 --> 00:10:04,317
Roger might be
trying to kill us.
265
00:10:04,385 --> 00:10:05,418
And we have
no brakes.
266
00:10:05,486 --> 00:10:06,920
(tires squealing)
267
00:10:06,987 --> 00:10:08,922
(horns honking)
268
00:10:14,228 --> 00:10:16,062
(air hissing)
269
00:10:17,498 --> 00:10:19,966
Wow! This is a
really safe car!
270
00:10:20,034 --> 00:10:21,401
Of course it is, son.
271
00:10:21,468 --> 00:10:22,669
The new Chevy Tumbler
272
00:10:22,736 --> 00:10:24,704
has driver-
and passenger-side air bags,
273
00:10:24,772 --> 00:10:26,839
as well as head-curtain
side-impact air bags.
274
00:10:26,907 --> 00:10:28,908
Plus an all-new
third row of seats,
275
00:10:28,976 --> 00:10:31,544
and OnStar with a one-year
"Safe and Sound" plan.
276
00:10:31,612 --> 00:10:34,280
WOMAN:
This is OnStar.
Is everything okay, Mr. Smith?
277
00:10:34,348 --> 00:10:36,049
Everything's fine, Elaine.
Thank you.
278
00:10:36,116 --> 00:10:38,384
Who the (bleep)
is Elaine, Stan?
279
00:10:38,452 --> 00:10:40,386
♪ I saw the sign ♪
280
00:10:40,454 --> 00:10:42,355
♪ And it opened up my eyes ♪
281
00:10:42,423 --> 00:10:43,823
♪ I saw the sign... ♪
282
00:10:43,891 --> 00:10:46,159
(gasps)
You're alive!
283
00:10:46,226 --> 00:10:48,027
So you are pissed
about the roast!
284
00:10:48,095 --> 00:10:49,495
You're damn right I am!
285
00:10:49,563 --> 00:10:51,764
You guys all got up
and insulted me
286
00:10:51,832 --> 00:10:53,232
in the meanest way possible!
287
00:10:53,300 --> 00:10:54,801
And you were all laughing!
288
00:10:54,868 --> 00:10:56,169
Yeah, that's a roast.
289
00:10:56,236 --> 00:10:57,337
Roger!
290
00:10:57,404 --> 00:10:58,638
It's too late!
291
00:10:58,706 --> 00:11:00,606
A switch went off
inside me that night,
292
00:11:00,674 --> 00:11:03,109
and now all I think about
is killing you guys.
293
00:11:03,177 --> 00:11:04,978
That's been my real
goal all along.
294
00:11:06,347 --> 00:11:07,747
My first few attempts failed,
295
00:11:07,815 --> 00:11:10,116
so I'm changing my approach,
gonna get more creative.
296
00:11:10,184 --> 00:11:12,251
Nothing's set in stone,
although I'm pretty sure
297
00:11:12,319 --> 00:11:14,120
these scorpions are going
in Steve's butt.
298
00:11:14,188 --> 00:11:15,722
They're rare butthole-eating
scorpions
299
00:11:15,789 --> 00:11:17,757
and they cost me
2,000 bucks each,
300
00:11:17,825 --> 00:11:21,027
but then I'm not very good
with money, am I, Hayley?
301
00:11:21,095 --> 00:11:22,829
Roger, you need
to stop this now!
302
00:11:22,896 --> 00:11:24,864
I'm never gonna stop.
303
00:11:24,932 --> 00:11:26,766
(grunting)
304
00:11:29,236 --> 00:11:31,237
(gasping)
305
00:11:31,305 --> 00:11:33,439
Nice shot, Steve.
306
00:11:33,507 --> 00:11:36,476
Every shot's a nice shot
with a McGregor tranq gun.
307
00:11:36,543 --> 00:11:39,812
(with Scottish accent):
McGregor. It's Scottish
for bull's-eye.
308
00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:42,015
What are we gonna do now?
309
00:11:42,082 --> 00:11:44,450
Well, Roger's clearly
committed to killing us all.
310
00:11:44,518 --> 00:11:46,686
So I'm gonna put him
somewhere he can't hurt us.
311
00:11:53,193 --> 00:11:55,361
STAN:
The Bangkwang
Maximum Security Prison.
312
00:11:55,429 --> 00:11:58,498
No man's ever gotten out alive.
313
00:12:14,948 --> 00:12:16,649
I feel bad for Roger.
314
00:12:16,717 --> 00:12:18,518
Don't. It was either him or us.
315
00:12:18,585 --> 00:12:20,520
And I picked us.
316
00:12:20,587 --> 00:12:22,722
Oh, my God, breaking news
from Asia!
317
00:12:22,790 --> 00:12:23,790
Oh, no.
318
00:12:23,857 --> 00:12:25,124
An inmate has escaped
319
00:12:25,192 --> 00:12:26,993
from the Bangkwang
Prison in Thailand.
320
00:12:27,061 --> 00:12:28,628
The prisoner killed
two dozen guards;
321
00:12:28,695 --> 00:12:30,963
then built a boat out
of their corpses to get away.
322
00:12:31,031 --> 00:12:32,932
(phone rings)
(all screaming)
323
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:34,434
ROGER:
You guys watching the news?
324
00:12:34,501 --> 00:12:35,902
How-How did you know?
325
00:12:35,969 --> 00:12:38,271
Because I'm right behind you.
326
00:12:38,338 --> 00:12:39,772
Just kidding.
(yells)
327
00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:41,808
I'm at the Indianapolis Airport
on a layover.
328
00:12:41,875 --> 00:12:43,476
Watching a Hoosiers game
at a bar.
329
00:12:43,544 --> 00:12:44,744
Coming to kill ya.
330
00:12:44,812 --> 00:12:47,080
We got to get
the hell out of here.
331
00:12:47,147 --> 00:12:49,115
Where are we
going to go?
(phone rings)
332
00:12:49,183 --> 00:12:51,050
KLAUS (on machine):
Hi. You've reached the Smiths.
333
00:12:51,118 --> 00:12:52,685
Leave a message.
(beep)
334
00:12:52,753 --> 00:12:54,754
ROGER:
Just so you know,
there's nowhere on Earth
335
00:12:54,822 --> 00:12:58,091
you guys can go
where I can't find you. Nowhere!
336
00:12:59,760 --> 00:13:01,661
Can I get another iced tea?
337
00:13:01,728 --> 00:13:03,096
Is anyone watching this game?
338
00:13:03,163 --> 00:13:04,297
It's a blowout.
339
00:13:04,364 --> 00:13:05,765
You are? Why? It's a blowout.
340
00:13:05,833 --> 00:13:07,333
You know what?
Forget the iced tea.
341
00:13:07,401 --> 00:13:08,835
I'm gonna head to my gate.
342
00:13:08,902 --> 00:13:10,636
(sounds of cell phone
swishing in pocket)
343
00:13:19,580 --> 00:13:21,514
Hi. Do you have
this week's People?
344
00:13:21,582 --> 00:13:25,151
People Magazine! This week's?
345
00:13:25,219 --> 00:13:27,720
(camera shutter clicking)
346
00:13:27,788 --> 00:13:29,122
Sir! Wait!
347
00:13:29,189 --> 00:13:32,058
Well, according
to this paper,
348
00:13:32,126 --> 00:13:34,794
Smith has sold ten more magazine
subscriptions than Sanders.
349
00:13:34,862 --> 00:13:35,928
MAN:
What?
350
00:13:35,996 --> 00:13:37,530
I guess I have no choice
351
00:13:37,598 --> 00:13:39,966
but to let the Smith family
take the Sanders' place
352
00:13:40,033 --> 00:13:41,801
on the space station
for the next year.
353
00:13:47,007 --> 00:13:48,474
We'll be safe
in space.
354
00:13:48,542 --> 00:13:49,675
That we know.
355
00:14:02,356 --> 00:14:03,689
Oh, no. Oh, no.
356
00:14:03,757 --> 00:14:06,159
Oh, no! Oh, no!
Oh, no! Oh, no! Aah!
357
00:14:06,226 --> 00:14:08,060
Oh! Yes!
358
00:14:10,388 --> 00:14:11,193
(low rumbling)
359
00:14:14,393 --> 00:14:16,955
(rhythmic clacking)
360
00:14:18,621 --> 00:14:20,121
(beeping)
361
00:14:21,323 --> 00:14:22,423
(whooshing)
362
00:14:22,491 --> 00:14:25,059
(rhythmic trilling)
363
00:14:25,127 --> 00:14:26,393
(ding)
364
00:14:26,461 --> 00:14:27,628
(whirring)
365
00:14:27,696 --> 00:14:29,530
(two beeps)
366
00:14:31,266 --> 00:14:33,100
(two beeps)
367
00:14:35,670 --> 00:14:37,037
(yawns)
368
00:14:38,071 --> 00:14:39,972
You think Roger's still
looking for us?
369
00:14:40,019 --> 00:14:41,320
All I know is
we don't have to worry
370
00:14:41,399 --> 00:14:42,799
about it for
the next year.
371
00:14:42,867 --> 00:14:44,868
Stan, can you please
just put a jumpsuit on
372
00:14:44,935 --> 00:14:45,935
like the
rest of us?
373
00:14:46,003 --> 00:14:47,170
No can do.
374
00:14:47,238 --> 00:14:48,338
Earth Stan
is boxers.
375
00:14:48,406 --> 00:14:49,506
Space Stan
is panties.
376
00:14:49,573 --> 00:14:50,740
Steve, don't
steal glances.
377
00:14:50,808 --> 00:14:52,375
If you want
to check out
my meatballs
378
00:14:52,443 --> 00:14:53,610
in this thing,
go right ahead.
379
00:14:53,677 --> 00:14:54,778
I'm your dad.
380
00:14:54,845 --> 00:14:56,012
"Day three.
381
00:14:56,080 --> 00:15:00,216
"Chia pet 122271:
382
00:15:00,284 --> 00:15:02,352
Three and five-eighths growth."
383
00:15:02,420 --> 00:15:03,853
Fascinating.
384
00:15:03,921 --> 00:15:07,891
Permission to apply
Chia pet specimen 010874
385
00:15:07,958 --> 00:15:09,325
with alpha paste.
386
00:15:09,393 --> 00:15:10,727
Paste application
approved.
387
00:15:10,795 --> 00:15:12,595
Steady.
388
00:15:12,663 --> 00:15:14,030
Well done.
389
00:15:14,098 --> 00:15:15,799
Prepare olfactory system
for flatulence.
390
00:15:15,866 --> 00:15:17,000
Flatulence denied.
391
00:15:17,068 --> 00:15:18,268
(breaks wind)
392
00:15:18,335 --> 00:15:20,103
Flatulence has been sent.
393
00:15:20,171 --> 00:15:22,839
Steve, Klaus went to get
more Chia seeds an hour ago.
394
00:15:22,907 --> 00:15:24,174
Go find him.
395
00:15:24,241 --> 00:15:25,308
Aye, aye,
Captain.
396
00:15:25,376 --> 00:15:26,543
This isn't a boat.
397
00:15:26,610 --> 00:15:27,844
It is a ship!
Get out.
398
00:15:27,912 --> 00:15:29,112
(whooshing)
399
00:15:31,282 --> 00:15:33,016
Klaus?
400
00:15:33,084 --> 00:15:35,518
Klaus, where are you?
401
00:15:35,586 --> 00:15:37,454
(muffled screaming)
402
00:15:41,192 --> 00:15:42,859
(muffled screaming)
Klaus?
403
00:15:44,061 --> 00:15:46,162
Klaus! It's stuck.
404
00:15:46,230 --> 00:15:47,397
Get away!
It's a trap!
405
00:15:47,465 --> 00:15:48,631
He's here!
406
00:15:48,699 --> 00:15:50,467
(eerie tones playing)
407
00:15:50,534 --> 00:15:51,801
Steve, behind you!
408
00:15:52,903 --> 00:15:54,871
(roaring)
409
00:15:54,939 --> 00:15:57,373
(loud clack)
410
00:15:57,441 --> 00:15:58,675
(klaxon sounding)
411
00:15:58,742 --> 00:16:00,477
Stan, what's
happening?
412
00:16:00,544 --> 00:16:03,446
Not much.
What's happening with you?
413
00:16:03,514 --> 00:16:04,614
♪ ♪
414
00:16:04,682 --> 00:16:05,882
What is that?
415
00:16:05,950 --> 00:16:07,484
Is that Ace of Base?
416
00:16:07,551 --> 00:16:08,651
Roger!
(gasps)
417
00:16:08,719 --> 00:16:10,019
He's here.
418
00:16:10,087 --> 00:16:11,688
He's gonna
kill us all!
(gasps)
419
00:16:11,755 --> 00:16:13,456
Steve's still
out there!
420
00:16:13,524 --> 00:16:15,125
We have to find him
and get off this space station.
421
00:16:15,192 --> 00:16:16,759
Let's split up.
422
00:16:16,827 --> 00:16:18,261
Whoever finds him,
radio the others,
423
00:16:18,329 --> 00:16:19,529
and we'll meet up
at the escape pod.
424
00:16:21,465 --> 00:16:23,233
♪ ♪
425
00:16:27,838 --> 00:16:29,706
(Roger singing)
426
00:16:33,444 --> 00:16:35,278
(klaxon continues blaring)
427
00:16:36,714 --> 00:16:39,716
(whirring)
428
00:16:42,987 --> 00:16:44,921
(whirring)
429
00:16:44,989 --> 00:16:46,556
(Francine screaming)
430
00:16:46,624 --> 00:16:48,525
FRANCINE:
Stan, Roger's gonna get us.
431
00:16:48,592 --> 00:16:50,326
Where are you?
We're in the kitchen.
432
00:16:50,394 --> 00:16:52,562
I'm running as fast as I can.
433
00:16:52,630 --> 00:16:53,897
(both screaming)
434
00:16:53,964 --> 00:16:55,265
(hissing)
435
00:16:56,467 --> 00:16:58,101
(beep and chirp)
436
00:16:58,169 --> 00:16:59,836
It's gonna be okay, Francine.
437
00:16:59,904 --> 00:17:01,738
I made it to the escape pod.
438
00:17:01,805 --> 00:17:03,473
I'm safe.
439
00:17:03,541 --> 00:17:05,175
What?! Stan, hurry!
440
00:17:05,242 --> 00:17:06,843
We're almost on the ground.
441
00:17:06,911 --> 00:17:09,045
No! Oh!
442
00:17:09,113 --> 00:17:11,648
(both women screaming
and muttering)
443
00:17:11,715 --> 00:17:13,783
Well, I did all I could.
444
00:17:13,851 --> 00:17:15,118
(gasps)
445
00:17:15,186 --> 00:17:17,253
Fresh panties for the ride home!
446
00:17:19,323 --> 00:17:21,090
♪ ♪
447
00:17:25,629 --> 00:17:26,763
ROGER:
Ow!
448
00:17:28,699 --> 00:17:29,999
(hissing)
449
00:17:46,750 --> 00:17:48,518
♪ ♪
450
00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:52,188
Welcome and thank you
for coming!
451
00:17:52,256 --> 00:17:53,356
Are you gonna
kill us now?
452
00:17:53,424 --> 00:17:54,857
That'd be too easy.
453
00:17:54,925 --> 00:17:58,428
No. You have to feel
the same pain I felt that night.
454
00:17:58,495 --> 00:18:00,163
So you're going
to roast us?
455
00:18:00,231 --> 00:18:03,366
No. You're going
to roast each other.
456
00:18:03,434 --> 00:18:05,101
And your zingers better be mean.
457
00:18:05,169 --> 00:18:08,571
If you try any weak sauce,
I'm gonna give you such a zots.
458
00:18:08,639 --> 00:18:09,439
(buzzing)
Oh!
459
00:18:09,506 --> 00:18:12,508
Now, Stan,
roast Hayley.
460
00:18:12,576 --> 00:18:13,776
(buzzing)
Aah!
461
00:18:13,844 --> 00:18:15,345
You feel
that zots?!
462
00:18:15,412 --> 00:18:18,448
Hayley, you're not very smart,
and you smoke a lot of pot.
463
00:18:18,515 --> 00:18:19,182
Zots!
464
00:18:19,250 --> 00:18:20,483
Aah! Okay.
465
00:18:20,551 --> 00:18:22,352
Hayley, I secretly wish
you were Benjamin Button,
466
00:18:22,419 --> 00:18:24,821
and you were aging backwards,
and your life was almost over.
467
00:18:24,888 --> 00:18:26,055
(both laughing)
468
00:18:26,123 --> 00:18:27,523
Oh, yeah!
469
00:18:27,591 --> 00:18:29,092
Insults in the
form of jokes.
470
00:18:29,159 --> 00:18:30,526
How's it feel, Hayley?
471
00:18:30,594 --> 00:18:31,761
Not too bueno, I bet.
472
00:18:31,829 --> 00:18:32,996
Okay, now do Steve.
473
00:18:33,063 --> 00:18:35,331
Steve, you will
never get laid.
474
00:18:35,399 --> 00:18:36,599
There's nothing attractive
about you.
475
00:18:36,667 --> 00:18:37,967
You have the sex appeal
476
00:18:38,035 --> 00:18:40,069
of the cancer ward
in a pediatric hospital.
477
00:18:40,137 --> 00:18:41,871
(laughing)
Oh.
478
00:18:41,939 --> 00:18:44,340
Hayley coming in
with a groaner. Nice.
479
00:18:44,408 --> 00:18:46,776
Okay, Steve, let's see you
give it to your mama.
480
00:18:48,045 --> 00:18:50,513
Mom, you are
not smart.
481
00:18:50,581 --> 00:18:52,849
I don't tell "yo mama's
so dumb" jokes.
482
00:18:52,916 --> 00:18:55,285
I tell "my mama's
so dumb" jokes.
483
00:18:55,352 --> 00:18:57,320
Example:
My mama's so dumb,
484
00:18:57,388 --> 00:18:59,555
I don't tell "yo
mama's so dumb" jokes.
485
00:18:59,623 --> 00:19:02,025
I tell "my mama's
so dumb" jokes.
486
00:19:02,092 --> 00:19:03,526
I love it.
487
00:19:03,594 --> 00:19:06,195
Francine, take the pain and
throw it right at Stan. Do it!
488
00:19:06,263 --> 00:19:08,931
Stan, you have
the undeserved ego
489
00:19:08,999 --> 00:19:10,700
of Jeremy Piven,
490
00:19:10,768 --> 00:19:12,602
the annoying
self-righteousness
491
00:19:12,670 --> 00:19:14,103
of Sean Penn,
492
00:19:14,171 --> 00:19:15,605
and the unbearable
hypocrisy
493
00:19:15,673 --> 00:19:17,140
of Rush Limbaugh.
494
00:19:17,207 --> 00:19:19,542
What I'm trying
to say is,
495
00:19:19,610 --> 00:19:22,211
you're almost as bad a
person as Rachael Ray.
496
00:19:29,620 --> 00:19:32,355
(laughs)
497
00:19:32,423 --> 00:19:34,290
(all laughing)
498
00:19:36,026 --> 00:19:37,827
Why are you laughing?
499
00:19:37,895 --> 00:19:39,062
That wasn't funny.
500
00:19:39,129 --> 00:19:40,530
That's, like,
the meanest thing
501
00:19:40,597 --> 00:19:41,898
anyone's ever said
to anyone.
502
00:19:41,965 --> 00:19:43,666
What the hell's
going on here?
503
00:19:43,734 --> 00:19:45,034
Where's the
hurt feelings?
504
00:19:45,102 --> 00:19:47,103
Roger, we can say these things
to each other
505
00:19:47,171 --> 00:19:48,338
because we're family.
506
00:19:48,405 --> 00:19:49,605
It doesn't hurt my feelings
507
00:19:49,673 --> 00:19:51,374
because I still know
they love me.
508
00:19:51,442 --> 00:19:53,343
Well, your roast
hurt my feelings!
509
00:19:53,410 --> 00:19:54,944
Wait a minute.
510
00:19:55,012 --> 00:19:57,647
You don't consider yourself
part of this family, do you?
511
00:19:57,715 --> 00:19:59,315
No, 'cause
I'm not.
512
00:19:59,383 --> 00:20:00,550
Are you
kidding me?!
513
00:20:00,617 --> 00:20:02,385
We tried to throw you
a bowling party.
514
00:20:02,453 --> 00:20:03,786
We-we did the roast
you wanted...
515
00:20:03,854 --> 00:20:05,054
If after all
this time,
516
00:20:05,122 --> 00:20:06,823
you still don't feel
part of this family,
517
00:20:06,890 --> 00:20:07,990
it's your hang-up.
518
00:20:08,058 --> 00:20:09,459
Roger, we love you.
519
00:20:09,526 --> 00:20:10,893
You're a Smith.
520
00:20:10,961 --> 00:20:13,096
If you can't accept that,
go (bleep) yourself.
521
00:20:13,163 --> 00:20:16,099
Oh. Oh, my God.
522
00:20:16,166 --> 00:20:18,735
I am a part of this family.
523
00:20:18,802 --> 00:20:20,636
You do love me.
524
00:20:20,704 --> 00:20:22,705
I feel it now.
525
00:20:22,773 --> 00:20:24,374
I'm-I'm...
526
00:20:24,441 --> 00:20:26,342
I'm letting it
wash over me.
527
00:20:26,410 --> 00:20:27,944
Look at me.
528
00:20:28,011 --> 00:20:31,114
I'm crying like Francine
when she watches Grey's Anatomy.
529
00:20:31,181 --> 00:20:34,050
I just feel so sorry
for those poor actors.
530
00:20:34,118 --> 00:20:36,185
(all laughing)
531
00:20:36,253 --> 00:20:38,388
Hey, Roger, go
take some Euphoria
532
00:20:38,455 --> 00:20:39,989
and rape the
data journal!
533
00:20:40,057 --> 00:20:41,457
(all laughing)
534
00:20:42,461 --> 00:20:43,561
I've been eyeing it.
535
00:20:43,629 --> 00:20:44,696
I'm not gonna lie.
536
00:20:44,806 --> 00:20:46,673
(all laughing)
537
00:20:49,159 --> 00:20:50,293
(sighs)
538
00:20:50,360 --> 00:20:51,494
Fun birthday.
539
00:20:51,562 --> 00:20:52,595
(gagging)
540
00:20:54,698 --> 00:20:57,400
Hey, never thought I'd see
you dirty bastards again.
541
00:20:57,468 --> 00:20:59,102
Ah. I feel great.
542
00:20:59,169 --> 00:21:00,403
Cleaned out.
543
00:21:00,471 --> 00:21:01,871
All right, who wants them next?
544
00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:04,307
No one?
545
00:21:04,374 --> 00:21:05,475
Okay, you heard 'em.
546
00:21:05,542 --> 00:21:06,709
Round two, boys.
547
00:21:06,777 --> 00:21:08,411
Now make sure this time
that you really...
548
00:21:08,479 --> 00:21:09,712
(grunts, sighs)
549
00:21:09,780 --> 00:21:10,814
Oh. Oh, you know
what you're doing.
550
00:21:10,826 --> 00:21:12,860
-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
-- for MY-SUBS.com --