00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:00,695 --> 00:00:03,129 (upbeat march plays) 2 00:00:03,386 --> 00:00:06,222 ♪ Good morning, USA! ♪ 3 00:00:06,289 --> 00:00:10,092 ♪ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪ 4 00:00:10,160 --> 00:00:13,028 ♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪ 5 00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:17,199 ♪ And he's shining a salute to the American race ♪ 6 00:00:19,302 --> 00:00:22,805 ♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪ 7 00:00:22,873 --> 00:00:24,673 ♪ Good... ♪ ♪ Good morning, USA ♪ 8 00:00:24,741 --> 00:00:26,375 Aah! 9 00:00:26,443 --> 00:00:30,713 American Dad 5x18 Great Space Roaster Original Air Date on May 16, 2010 10 00:00:30,723 --> 00:00:34,423 -- Sync, corrected by elderman -- -- for MY-SUBS.com -- 11 00:00:36,019 --> 00:00:38,120 Oh, my God! We've been robbed! 12 00:00:38,188 --> 00:00:39,822 Come on out, you thieving bastards! 13 00:00:39,890 --> 00:00:42,124 Dad! Hayley, you were elected family gun shield 14 00:00:42,192 --> 00:00:43,492 at the last family meeting. 15 00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:45,561 You're also in charge of the Netflix queue. 16 00:00:45,629 --> 00:00:46,996 Just know this: 17 00:00:47,063 --> 00:00:49,431 I never don't want to have Kindergarten Cop. 18 00:00:49,499 --> 00:00:51,233 (Francine gasps) (groans) 19 00:00:51,301 --> 00:00:52,968 Roger, did you see who did this? 20 00:00:53,036 --> 00:00:55,104 Yeah. I did this. I was looking for clues 21 00:00:55,171 --> 00:00:56,805 to where you're throwing my birthday party. 22 00:00:56,873 --> 00:00:58,440 Found nothing, so I took a nap. 23 00:00:58,508 --> 00:01:00,876 Roger, we wanted it to be a surprise. 24 00:01:00,944 --> 00:01:03,045 We're throwing you a bowling party! 25 00:01:03,113 --> 00:01:05,915 Oh, a bowling party! How original! 26 00:01:05,982 --> 00:01:08,684 Apparently, I'm a 13-year-old Latino kid. 27 00:01:08,752 --> 00:01:10,352 Well, what do you want to do? 28 00:01:10,420 --> 00:01:12,221 Something good. I mean, you rented out 29 00:01:12,289 --> 00:01:14,156 the amphitheater for Steve's birthday. 30 00:01:14,224 --> 00:01:15,891 We went to a 4 Non Blondes concert. 31 00:01:15,959 --> 00:01:17,927 It's not our fault we were the only ones there. 32 00:01:17,994 --> 00:01:19,662 You took Hayley skydiving. 33 00:01:19,729 --> 00:01:21,463 Stan got four pairs of jeans. 34 00:01:21,531 --> 00:01:23,165 I guess you had to come out of 35 00:01:23,233 --> 00:01:25,568 or regularly visit Francine's clown hole 36 00:01:25,635 --> 00:01:26,902 to matter around this place! 37 00:01:26,970 --> 00:01:28,504 It is a happening spot. 38 00:01:28,572 --> 00:01:30,339 I want to do something special. 39 00:01:30,407 --> 00:01:31,907 I'm turning 1,601. 40 00:01:31,975 --> 00:01:34,276 It's when I hit puberty. Warning, I'm gonna get 41 00:01:34,344 --> 00:01:36,045 a lot more sexually aggressive. 42 00:01:36,112 --> 00:01:37,346 You have any suggestions? 43 00:01:37,414 --> 00:01:39,181 Uh, yeah, everyone should avoid wearing 44 00:01:39,249 --> 00:01:40,449 loose-fitting shorts around me. 45 00:01:40,517 --> 00:01:42,518 I'll get in there! (chuckles) 46 00:01:42,586 --> 00:01:44,954 But seriously, I want to do what the greats do 47 00:01:45,021 --> 00:01:47,056 when they get celebrated: I want a roast! 48 00:01:47,123 --> 00:01:48,891 Roger, do you even know what a roast is? 49 00:01:48,959 --> 00:01:50,593 Of course I do! I was a member 50 00:01:50,660 --> 00:01:52,194 of the Friars Club in the '60s. 51 00:01:52,262 --> 00:01:53,395 I drove Phyllis Diller 52 00:01:53,463 --> 00:01:55,064 to two of her first three abortions. 53 00:01:55,131 --> 00:01:56,832 She must have such regrets, 54 00:01:56,900 --> 00:01:58,734 never getting her driver's license. 55 00:01:58,802 --> 00:02:00,269 I guess we can do that. 56 00:02:00,337 --> 00:02:03,105 We'll dress up nice, throw a few good-natured barbs your way. 57 00:02:03,173 --> 00:02:04,340 Good-natured? 58 00:02:04,407 --> 00:02:06,942 Oh, no, don't you dare go light on me! 59 00:02:07,010 --> 00:02:09,311 The best roasts are brutal and hilarious. 60 00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:10,779 Oh, I think it'll be fun. 61 00:02:10,847 --> 00:02:12,481 You can't participate, Klaus. I hate you. 62 00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:15,384 I say that not out of anger, but simply as a fact. 63 00:02:15,452 --> 00:02:17,486 It's 67 degrees outside, and I hate you. 64 00:02:17,554 --> 00:02:19,254 Well, if that's what you really want, 65 00:02:19,322 --> 00:02:20,789 then of course we'll do it. 66 00:02:20,857 --> 00:02:22,625 Make it so, Fran-cisco. (chuckles) 67 00:02:22,692 --> 00:02:24,059 Now, if you'll excuse me, 68 00:02:24,127 --> 00:02:25,894 I have my bowling league tonight. 69 00:02:28,765 --> 00:02:32,334 (Latin accent): I'm-a roll a turkey tonight, ese. 70 00:02:35,872 --> 00:02:37,706 Settle down, everyone. 71 00:02:37,774 --> 00:02:39,875 Who threw that? MAN: Your mother's ass! 72 00:02:39,943 --> 00:02:41,677 (snaps fingers) 73 00:02:41,745 --> 00:02:43,779 Due to recent financial hardships, 74 00:02:43,847 --> 00:02:47,583 the CIA has been forced to take on a corporate sponsor. 75 00:02:47,651 --> 00:02:49,251 That sponsor is 76 00:02:49,319 --> 00:02:52,054 Jones Enterprises, makers of the Chia Pet. 77 00:02:52,122 --> 00:02:54,657 So from now on, we'll be known 78 00:02:54,724 --> 00:02:57,393 as the Central Human Intelligence Agency. 79 00:02:57,460 --> 00:02:59,695 (squeaking, whirring) 80 00:02:59,763 --> 00:03:00,896 Frank! 81 00:03:00,964 --> 00:03:02,498 Just let him go. 82 00:03:02,565 --> 00:03:05,334 The Chia Pet people are sending a CIA family 83 00:03:05,402 --> 00:03:07,169 into space for one year 84 00:03:07,237 --> 00:03:09,705 to see if Chia seeds grow up there. 85 00:03:09,773 --> 00:03:12,775 The dream of an afro on the moon 86 00:03:12,842 --> 00:03:14,877 is within our grasp, people! 87 00:03:14,944 --> 00:03:16,779 MAN: Looks like your wife's (bleep). 88 00:03:16,846 --> 00:03:19,281 Kruger, you just got yourself a month in Kabul! 89 00:03:19,349 --> 00:03:20,716 Now... (clears throat) 90 00:03:20,784 --> 00:03:22,518 the agent chosen for this mission 91 00:03:22,585 --> 00:03:24,586 was not only the most qualified, 92 00:03:24,654 --> 00:03:27,456 he also sold the most magazine subscriptions. 93 00:03:27,524 --> 00:03:30,893 Congratulations, Sanders! 94 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,728 (polite applause) Can't you even smile? 95 00:03:32,796 --> 00:03:34,496 I don't have any friends in space! 96 00:03:34,564 --> 00:03:36,298 You're friends with your sister! 97 00:03:36,366 --> 00:03:38,867 (band plays lively music) 98 00:03:38,935 --> 00:03:41,370 Good evening, and welcome to the Smith family roast 99 00:03:41,438 --> 00:03:42,638 of Roger Smith. 100 00:03:42,706 --> 00:03:43,939 Say mean things, Stan! 101 00:03:44,007 --> 00:03:45,607 Talk about how he's gray! 102 00:03:45,675 --> 00:03:47,776 You ready, Roger? 103 00:03:47,844 --> 00:03:50,813 Roger is truly one of the most interesting people I know. 104 00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:52,614 He's also a pathetic drug addict. 105 00:03:52,682 --> 00:03:54,783 (laughter) 106 00:03:54,851 --> 00:03:56,785 Now, I'm gonna read a list of different drugs, 107 00:03:56,853 --> 00:03:59,121 and, Roger, if you hear one you're not on right now, 108 00:03:59,189 --> 00:04:00,656 raise your hand. 109 00:04:00,724 --> 00:04:03,892 "Cocaine. Heroin. Ecstasy. Crack. 110 00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:06,428 "OxyContin. Meth. Steroids. 111 00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:08,063 "Cooked-down Afrin. 112 00:04:08,131 --> 00:04:10,432 Euphoria, the fake drug from 90210." 113 00:04:10,500 --> 00:04:12,601 (loud laughter) 114 00:04:12,669 --> 00:04:14,536 Okay, next I'd like to introduce a woman 115 00:04:14,604 --> 00:04:16,505 who is in a rare group for Roger-- 116 00:04:16,573 --> 00:04:18,407 one who hasn't (bleep) him with a (bleep). 117 00:04:18,475 --> 00:04:19,575 Ho-ho! 118 00:04:19,642 --> 00:04:21,744 Let's hear it for Francine Smith! 119 00:04:21,811 --> 00:04:23,412 (applause) 120 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:24,913 (laughs): Oh, thank you, Stan. 121 00:04:24,981 --> 00:04:28,751 Roger, you're the most disgusting, out-of-shape 122 00:04:28,818 --> 00:04:31,620 piece of (bleep) I've ever met in my life. 123 00:04:31,688 --> 00:04:33,655 And I know Sammy Hagar. 124 00:04:33,723 --> 00:04:35,824 (laughing raucously) 125 00:04:35,892 --> 00:04:38,627 (laughing) 126 00:04:38,695 --> 00:04:41,330 A few years ago, we thought it would be a good idea 127 00:04:41,397 --> 00:04:42,631 to get Roger a checking account 128 00:04:42,699 --> 00:04:44,066 to teach him responsibility. 129 00:04:44,134 --> 00:04:45,467 Here's what old Rog did. 130 00:04:45,535 --> 00:04:47,269 Here's check 001, 131 00:04:47,337 --> 00:04:49,404 the only check Roger ever wrote. 132 00:04:49,472 --> 00:04:51,774 (Stan laughing) Please note that in the date line 133 00:04:51,841 --> 00:04:54,943 he's written: "Today comma 1783." 134 00:04:55,011 --> 00:04:57,746 It's made out for the amount of $72 million, 135 00:04:57,814 --> 00:04:59,748 and it's payable to "Drugs." 136 00:04:59,816 --> 00:05:01,950 (family laughing) On the memo line, it says: 137 00:05:02,018 --> 00:05:03,252 "For drugs, yo," 138 00:05:03,319 --> 00:05:05,087 and it's signed "John Travolta." 139 00:05:05,155 --> 00:05:07,156 (laughing loudly) 140 00:05:09,092 --> 00:05:11,827 Anyway, this was the only check he ever wrote. 141 00:05:11,895 --> 00:05:14,163 The rest of the checks have holes in them, 142 00:05:14,230 --> 00:05:17,032 because Roger got drunk and raped them. 143 00:05:17,100 --> 00:05:20,302 (family laughing uncontrollably) 144 00:05:20,370 --> 00:05:22,938 Roger's June 4 diary entry. 145 00:05:23,006 --> 00:05:24,840 It says: "Million-dollar ideas." 146 00:05:24,908 --> 00:05:27,342 And under it, it reads: "Diarrhea equals Rhea Perlman." 147 00:05:27,410 --> 00:05:28,677 STAN (laughing): No-ho-ho-ho! 148 00:05:28,745 --> 00:05:30,813 The rest of the pages have holes in them 149 00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:32,114 because he raped them. 150 00:05:32,182 --> 00:05:33,882 (family laughing) 151 00:05:33,950 --> 00:05:36,685 (chuckling) 152 00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:39,288 All right, it's time to hear from the man of the hour. 153 00:05:39,355 --> 00:05:40,956 Roger, you drunk, lazy (bleep), 154 00:05:41,024 --> 00:05:43,826 get the waiter's (bleep) out of your mouth and get up here! 155 00:05:43,893 --> 00:05:46,395 (band playing lively music) 156 00:05:49,532 --> 00:05:51,133 (music fades out) 157 00:05:51,201 --> 00:05:53,836 (voice wavering): Why? Why would you do this? 158 00:05:53,903 --> 00:05:57,372 What... what did I ever do to any of you to make you say 159 00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,708 those incredibly hurtful things? 160 00:05:59,776 --> 00:06:01,243 Are you serious? 161 00:06:01,311 --> 00:06:03,078 Does it look like I'm not serious?! 162 00:06:03,146 --> 00:06:04,847 Roger, this is what you asked for. 163 00:06:04,914 --> 00:06:06,381 You stay away from me, Francine! 164 00:06:06,449 --> 00:06:08,283 All of you stay away from me! 165 00:06:08,351 --> 00:06:11,286 This has been the worst night of my entire life! 166 00:06:11,354 --> 00:06:13,956 (sobbing loudly) 167 00:06:19,158 --> 00:06:20,191 Morning. 168 00:06:20,194 --> 00:06:21,494 Roger! Where have you been? 169 00:06:21,562 --> 00:06:23,096 We haven't seen you in days! 170 00:06:23,164 --> 00:06:24,631 Getting my life together-- that's where. 171 00:06:24,699 --> 00:06:27,200 Those comments you made the other night resonated in me, 172 00:06:27,268 --> 00:06:29,569 and I decided it was time for a change. 173 00:06:29,637 --> 00:06:31,538 We didn't say those things so you'd change. 174 00:06:31,605 --> 00:06:32,939 We were just poking fun. 175 00:06:33,007 --> 00:06:35,542 Well, the person you described in graphic detail 176 00:06:35,609 --> 00:06:38,578 and in decent joke form is not someone I want to be. 177 00:06:38,646 --> 00:06:41,314 I got a job at a bank, which should address 178 00:06:41,382 --> 00:06:42,949 the monetary problem Hayley pointed out, 179 00:06:43,017 --> 00:06:44,651 and I'm also three days sober. 180 00:06:44,719 --> 00:06:47,320 Stan, thank you for that very loud wake-up call. 181 00:06:47,388 --> 00:06:49,122 Who's that positive girl with you? 182 00:06:49,190 --> 00:06:50,690 This is Ally, my life coach. 183 00:06:50,758 --> 00:06:52,325 She also works at Jumbo Juice. 184 00:06:52,393 --> 00:06:55,361 She gave me a fiber boost. Then she gave me a life boost. 185 00:06:55,429 --> 00:06:58,898 (squealing-laughing) 186 00:06:58,966 --> 00:07:00,300 (squealing yell) 187 00:07:00,367 --> 00:07:01,868 She has weird energy, doesn't she? 188 00:07:01,936 --> 00:07:03,570 She also made me a goal list. 189 00:07:03,637 --> 00:07:05,638 This is the first piece of paper 190 00:07:05,706 --> 00:07:07,273 I haven't sexually assaulted in years. 191 00:07:07,341 --> 00:07:10,043 So... you're not mad at us anymore? 192 00:07:10,111 --> 00:07:12,212 God, no! You saved my life! 193 00:07:12,279 --> 00:07:15,148 Okay, because you were madder than we've ever seen you, 194 00:07:15,216 --> 00:07:17,550 and you do have a history of holding grudges. 195 00:07:17,618 --> 00:07:18,885 What? No, I don't. 196 00:07:18,953 --> 00:07:20,720 You wrote death threats to Merlin Oln 197 00:07:20,788 --> 00:07:22,756 for seven years after Father Murphy was cancelled. 198 00:07:22,823 --> 00:07:24,257 He was just the star, Roger. 199 00:07:24,325 --> 00:07:26,893 That was the old me. I'm done with all that. 200 00:07:26,961 --> 00:07:29,929 And by the way, Merlin had a producer credit the second season. 201 00:07:29,997 --> 00:07:31,064 He could have done something. 202 00:07:33,868 --> 00:07:36,035 Ah, I'm off for a little night run 203 00:07:36,103 --> 00:07:37,437 at the Howard University track. 204 00:07:37,505 --> 00:07:39,472 Sit down and have dinner first. 205 00:07:39,540 --> 00:07:41,074 Thank you, no. I'm going for a run, 206 00:07:41,142 --> 00:07:43,309 and I have to leave here right now, immediately. 207 00:07:43,377 --> 00:07:44,911 KLAUS: Guys, get in here! 208 00:07:44,979 --> 00:07:47,514 The porn channel's cong in for some reason! 209 00:07:47,581 --> 00:07:49,149 (porn movie music playing) 210 00:07:49,216 --> 00:07:50,316 Nice. 211 00:07:50,384 --> 00:07:52,852 (all coughing) 212 00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:54,254 Is everyone okay? 213 00:07:54,321 --> 00:07:56,089 Did we lose the porn? 214 00:07:56,157 --> 00:07:57,891 There must have been a gas leak! 215 00:07:57,958 --> 00:07:59,559 We could have all been killed. 216 00:07:59,627 --> 00:08:02,328 You know, Roger sure did leave in a hurry. 217 00:08:02,396 --> 00:08:04,931 You... you don't think Roger had something to do 218 00:08:04,999 --> 00:08:06,466 with the explosion! 219 00:08:06,534 --> 00:08:07,834 Because of the roast? 220 00:08:07,902 --> 00:08:10,236 Guys, you heard him: we inspired him to better himself. 221 00:08:10,304 --> 00:08:11,971 Still, to be safe, we should follow him. 222 00:08:12,039 --> 00:08:13,306 You know, just to see 223 00:08:13,374 --> 00:08:15,275 if he's doing all the things he says he is. 224 00:08:19,747 --> 00:08:20,847 ...and $300. 225 00:08:20,915 --> 00:08:22,816 Have a good one. 226 00:08:22,883 --> 00:08:25,819 Hey, Liz, I'm thinking about going to Nordstrom's at lunch. 227 00:08:25,886 --> 00:08:27,921 Do you want to grab a sandwich 228 00:08:27,988 --> 00:08:30,023 and walk around Nordstrom's at lunch, Elizabeth? 229 00:08:35,529 --> 00:08:38,331 (panting) 230 00:08:45,806 --> 00:08:47,874 You know, the other day I took a walk 231 00:08:47,942 --> 00:08:49,442 down to George C. Scott Park 232 00:08:49,510 --> 00:08:51,077 right when the sun was going down. 233 00:08:51,145 --> 00:08:52,879 You know how that time is like. 234 00:08:52,947 --> 00:08:55,014 Sun throwing shadows and all. 235 00:08:55,082 --> 00:08:57,283 Got me thinking about when I was a young man 236 00:08:57,351 --> 00:08:59,552 sitting in that park, you know, watching the girls, 237 00:08:59,620 --> 00:09:01,955 smoking a little herb, drinking a cold beer. 238 00:09:02,022 --> 00:09:05,725 And I had this moment when I wanted to feel that way agn. 239 00:09:07,094 --> 00:09:08,728 But I didn't get high. 240 00:09:08,796 --> 00:09:11,464 Instead, I went home and watched The Wire. 241 00:09:11,532 --> 00:09:13,266 That's where this speech is from. 242 00:09:13,334 --> 00:09:14,767 Thanks for letting me share. 243 00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:21,441 (family laughing) 244 00:09:21,508 --> 00:09:23,376 You guys thought I tried to kill you? 245 00:09:23,444 --> 00:09:24,777 Hilarious! 246 00:09:24,845 --> 00:09:27,413 (laughter) 247 00:09:27,481 --> 00:09:29,649 It's so therapeutic to laugh. 248 00:09:29,717 --> 00:09:32,118 Hey, does anyone have the exact time? 249 00:09:32,186 --> 00:09:33,786 8:04. Thank you, my love. 250 00:09:33,854 --> 00:09:35,255 Ow. Ow. 251 00:09:35,322 --> 00:09:37,957 Oh, my running regimen is killing my lower back. 252 00:09:38,025 --> 00:09:39,259 (groans) I got to lie down. 253 00:09:39,326 --> 00:09:41,494 (automatic gunfire) 254 00:09:41,562 --> 00:09:44,530 You guys can get up now! It's definitely over! 255 00:09:44,598 --> 00:09:46,299 (artillery fire booming) 256 00:09:46,367 --> 00:09:47,734 (final gunshot) 257 00:09:47,801 --> 00:09:50,036 You were right! Someone is trying to kill us! 258 00:09:50,104 --> 00:09:53,706 Let's get out of here! Get in the car! Let's go! 259 00:09:53,774 --> 00:09:55,909 (tires squeal) 260 00:09:55,976 --> 00:09:57,610 I think we're safe. 261 00:09:57,678 --> 00:09:59,279 Quick thinking back there, Roger. 262 00:09:59,346 --> 00:10:00,380 Roger? 263 00:10:00,447 --> 00:10:01,748 (no audio) 264 00:10:01,815 --> 00:10:04,317 Roger might be trying to kill us. 265 00:10:04,385 --> 00:10:05,418 And we have no brakes. 266 00:10:05,486 --> 00:10:06,920 (tires squealing) 267 00:10:06,987 --> 00:10:08,922 (horns honking) 268 00:10:14,228 --> 00:10:16,062 (air hissing) 269 00:10:17,498 --> 00:10:19,966 Wow! This is a really safe car! 270 00:10:20,034 --> 00:10:21,401 Of course it is, son. 271 00:10:21,468 --> 00:10:22,669 The new Chevy Tumbler 272 00:10:22,736 --> 00:10:24,704 has driver- and passenger-side air bags, 273 00:10:24,772 --> 00:10:26,839 as well as head-curtain side-impact air bags. 274 00:10:26,907 --> 00:10:28,908 Plus an all-new third row of seats, 275 00:10:28,976 --> 00:10:31,544 and OnStar with a one-year "Safe and Sound" plan. 276 00:10:31,612 --> 00:10:34,280 WOMAN: This is OnStar. Is everything okay, Mr. Smith? 277 00:10:34,348 --> 00:10:36,049 Everything's fine, Elaine. Thank you. 278 00:10:36,116 --> 00:10:38,384 Who the (bleep) is Elaine, Stan? 279 00:10:38,452 --> 00:10:40,386 ♪ I saw the sign ♪ 280 00:10:40,454 --> 00:10:42,355 ♪ And it opened up my eyes ♪ 281 00:10:42,423 --> 00:10:43,823 ♪ I saw the sign... ♪ 282 00:10:43,891 --> 00:10:46,159 (gasps) You're alive! 283 00:10:46,226 --> 00:10:48,027 So you are pissed about the roast! 284 00:10:48,095 --> 00:10:49,495 You're damn right I am! 285 00:10:49,563 --> 00:10:51,764 You guys all got up and insulted me 286 00:10:51,832 --> 00:10:53,232 in the meanest way possible! 287 00:10:53,300 --> 00:10:54,801 And you were all laughing! 288 00:10:54,868 --> 00:10:56,169 Yeah, that's a roast. 289 00:10:56,236 --> 00:10:57,337 Roger! 290 00:10:57,404 --> 00:10:58,638 It's too late! 291 00:10:58,706 --> 00:11:00,606 A switch went off inside me that night, 292 00:11:00,674 --> 00:11:03,109 and now all I think about is killing you guys. 293 00:11:03,177 --> 00:11:04,978 That's been my real goal all along. 294 00:11:06,347 --> 00:11:07,747 My first few attempts failed, 295 00:11:07,815 --> 00:11:10,116 so I'm changing my approach, gonna get more creative. 296 00:11:10,184 --> 00:11:12,251 Nothing's set in stone, although I'm pretty sure 297 00:11:12,319 --> 00:11:14,120 these scorpions are going in Steve's butt. 298 00:11:14,188 --> 00:11:15,722 They're rare butthole-eating scorpions 299 00:11:15,789 --> 00:11:17,757 and they cost me 2,000 bucks each, 300 00:11:17,825 --> 00:11:21,027 but then I'm not very good with money, am I, Hayley? 301 00:11:21,095 --> 00:11:22,829 Roger, you need to stop this now! 302 00:11:22,896 --> 00:11:24,864 I'm never gonna stop. 303 00:11:24,932 --> 00:11:26,766 (grunting) 304 00:11:29,236 --> 00:11:31,237 (gasping) 305 00:11:31,305 --> 00:11:33,439 Nice shot, Steve. 306 00:11:33,507 --> 00:11:36,476 Every shot's a nice shot with a McGregor tranq gun. 307 00:11:36,543 --> 00:11:39,812 (with Scottish accent): McGregor. It's Scottish for bull's-eye. 308 00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:42,015 What are we gonna do now? 309 00:11:42,082 --> 00:11:44,450 Well, Roger's clearly committed to killing us all. 310 00:11:44,518 --> 00:11:46,686 So I'm gonna put him somewhere he can't hurt us. 311 00:11:53,193 --> 00:11:55,361 STAN: The Bangkwang Maximum Security Prison. 312 00:11:55,429 --> 00:11:58,498 No man's ever gotten out alive. 313 00:12:14,948 --> 00:12:16,649 I feel bad for Roger. 314 00:12:16,717 --> 00:12:18,518 Don't. It was either him or us. 315 00:12:18,585 --> 00:12:20,520 And I picked us. 316 00:12:20,587 --> 00:12:22,722 Oh, my God, breaking news from Asia! 317 00:12:22,790 --> 00:12:23,790 Oh, no. 318 00:12:23,857 --> 00:12:25,124 An inmate has escaped 319 00:12:25,192 --> 00:12:26,993 from the Bangkwang Prison in Thailand. 320 00:12:27,061 --> 00:12:28,628 The prisoner killed two dozen guards; 321 00:12:28,695 --> 00:12:30,963 then built a boat out of their corpses to get away. 322 00:12:31,031 --> 00:12:32,932 (phone rings) (all screaming) 323 00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:34,434 ROGER: You guys watching the news? 324 00:12:34,501 --> 00:12:35,902 How-How did you know? 325 00:12:35,969 --> 00:12:38,271 Because I'm right behind you. 326 00:12:38,338 --> 00:12:39,772 Just kidding. (yells) 327 00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:41,808 I'm at the Indianapolis Airport on a layover. 328 00:12:41,875 --> 00:12:43,476 Watching a Hoosiers game at a bar. 329 00:12:43,544 --> 00:12:44,744 Coming to kill ya. 330 00:12:44,812 --> 00:12:47,080 We got to get the hell out of here. 331 00:12:47,147 --> 00:12:49,115 Where are we going to go? (phone rings) 332 00:12:49,183 --> 00:12:51,050 KLAUS (on machine): Hi. You've reached the Smiths. 333 00:12:51,118 --> 00:12:52,685 Leave a message. (beep) 334 00:12:52,753 --> 00:12:54,754 ROGER: Just so you know, there's nowhere on Earth 335 00:12:54,822 --> 00:12:58,091 you guys can go where I can't find you. Nowhere! 336 00:12:59,760 --> 00:13:01,661 Can I get another iced tea? 337 00:13:01,728 --> 00:13:03,096 Is anyone watching this game? 338 00:13:03,163 --> 00:13:04,297 It's a blowout. 339 00:13:04,364 --> 00:13:05,765 You are? Why? It's a blowout. 340 00:13:05,833 --> 00:13:07,333 You know what? Forget the iced tea. 341 00:13:07,401 --> 00:13:08,835 I'm gonna head to my gate. 342 00:13:08,902 --> 00:13:10,636 (sounds of cell phone swishing in pocket) 343 00:13:19,580 --> 00:13:21,514 Hi. Do you have this week's People? 344 00:13:21,582 --> 00:13:25,151 People Magazine! This week's? 345 00:13:25,219 --> 00:13:27,720 (camera shutter clicking) 346 00:13:27,788 --> 00:13:29,122 Sir! Wait! 347 00:13:29,189 --> 00:13:32,058 Well, according to this paper, 348 00:13:32,126 --> 00:13:34,794 Smith has sold ten more magazine subscriptions than Sanders. 349 00:13:34,862 --> 00:13:35,928 MAN: What? 350 00:13:35,996 --> 00:13:37,530 I guess I have no choice 351 00:13:37,598 --> 00:13:39,966 but to let the Smith family take the Sanders' place 352 00:13:40,033 --> 00:13:41,801 on the space station for the next year. 353 00:13:47,007 --> 00:13:48,474 We'll be safe in space. 354 00:13:48,542 --> 00:13:49,675 That we know. 355 00:14:02,356 --> 00:14:03,689 Oh, no. Oh, no. 356 00:14:03,757 --> 00:14:06,159 Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Aah! 357 00:14:06,226 --> 00:14:08,060 Oh! Yes! 358 00:14:10,388 --> 00:14:11,193 (low rumbling) 359 00:14:14,393 --> 00:14:16,955 (rhythmic clacking) 360 00:14:18,621 --> 00:14:20,121 (beeping) 361 00:14:21,323 --> 00:14:22,423 (whooshing) 362 00:14:22,491 --> 00:14:25,059 (rhythmic trilling) 363 00:14:25,127 --> 00:14:26,393 (ding) 364 00:14:26,461 --> 00:14:27,628 (whirring) 365 00:14:27,696 --> 00:14:29,530 (two beeps) 366 00:14:31,266 --> 00:14:33,100 (two beeps) 367 00:14:35,670 --> 00:14:37,037 (yawns) 368 00:14:38,071 --> 00:14:39,972 You think Roger's still looking for us? 369 00:14:40,019 --> 00:14:41,320 All I know is we don't have to worry 370 00:14:41,399 --> 00:14:42,799 about it for the next year. 371 00:14:42,867 --> 00:14:44,868 Stan, can you please just put a jumpsuit on 372 00:14:44,935 --> 00:14:45,935 like the rest of us? 373 00:14:46,003 --> 00:14:47,170 No can do. 374 00:14:47,238 --> 00:14:48,338 Earth Stan is boxers. 375 00:14:48,406 --> 00:14:49,506 Space Stan is panties. 376 00:14:49,573 --> 00:14:50,740 Steve, don't steal glances. 377 00:14:50,808 --> 00:14:52,375 If you want to check out my meatballs 378 00:14:52,443 --> 00:14:53,610 in this thing, go right ahead. 379 00:14:53,677 --> 00:14:54,778 I'm your dad. 380 00:14:54,845 --> 00:14:56,012 "Day three. 381 00:14:56,080 --> 00:15:00,216 "Chia pet 122271: 382 00:15:00,284 --> 00:15:02,352 Three and five-eighths growth." 383 00:15:02,420 --> 00:15:03,853 Fascinating. 384 00:15:03,921 --> 00:15:07,891 Permission to apply Chia pet specimen 010874 385 00:15:07,958 --> 00:15:09,325 with alpha paste. 386 00:15:09,393 --> 00:15:10,727 Paste application approved. 387 00:15:10,795 --> 00:15:12,595 Steady. 388 00:15:12,663 --> 00:15:14,030 Well done. 389 00:15:14,098 --> 00:15:15,799 Prepare olfactory system for flatulence. 390 00:15:15,866 --> 00:15:17,000 Flatulence denied. 391 00:15:17,068 --> 00:15:18,268 (breaks wind) 392 00:15:18,335 --> 00:15:20,103 Flatulence has been sent. 393 00:15:20,171 --> 00:15:22,839 Steve, Klaus went to get more Chia seeds an hour ago. 394 00:15:22,907 --> 00:15:24,174 Go find him. 395 00:15:24,241 --> 00:15:25,308 Aye, aye, Captain. 396 00:15:25,376 --> 00:15:26,543 This isn't a boat. 397 00:15:26,610 --> 00:15:27,844 It is a ship! Get out. 398 00:15:27,912 --> 00:15:29,112 (whooshing) 399 00:15:31,282 --> 00:15:33,016 Klaus? 400 00:15:33,084 --> 00:15:35,518 Klaus, where are you? 401 00:15:35,586 --> 00:15:37,454 (muffled screaming) 402 00:15:41,192 --> 00:15:42,859 (muffled screaming) Klaus? 403 00:15:44,061 --> 00:15:46,162 Klaus! It's stuck. 404 00:15:46,230 --> 00:15:47,397 Get away! It's a trap! 405 00:15:47,465 --> 00:15:48,631 He's here! 406 00:15:48,699 --> 00:15:50,467 (eerie tones playing) 407 00:15:50,534 --> 00:15:51,801 Steve, behind you! 408 00:15:52,903 --> 00:15:54,871 (roaring) 409 00:15:54,939 --> 00:15:57,373 (loud clack) 410 00:15:57,441 --> 00:15:58,675 (klaxon sounding) 411 00:15:58,742 --> 00:16:00,477 Stan, what's happening? 412 00:16:00,544 --> 00:16:03,446 Not much. What's happening with you? 413 00:16:03,514 --> 00:16:04,614 ♪ ♪ 414 00:16:04,682 --> 00:16:05,882 What is that? 415 00:16:05,950 --> 00:16:07,484 Is that Ace of Base? 416 00:16:07,551 --> 00:16:08,651 Roger! (gasps) 417 00:16:08,719 --> 00:16:10,019 He's here. 418 00:16:10,087 --> 00:16:11,688 He's gonna kill us all! (gasps) 419 00:16:11,755 --> 00:16:13,456 Steve's still out there! 420 00:16:13,524 --> 00:16:15,125 We have to find him and get off this space station. 421 00:16:15,192 --> 00:16:16,759 Let's split up. 422 00:16:16,827 --> 00:16:18,261 Whoever finds him, radio the others, 423 00:16:18,329 --> 00:16:19,529 and we'll meet up at the escape pod. 424 00:16:21,465 --> 00:16:23,233 ♪ ♪ 425 00:16:27,838 --> 00:16:29,706 (Roger singing) 426 00:16:33,444 --> 00:16:35,278 (klaxon continues blaring) 427 00:16:36,714 --> 00:16:39,716 (whirring) 428 00:16:42,987 --> 00:16:44,921 (whirring) 429 00:16:44,989 --> 00:16:46,556 (Francine screaming) 430 00:16:46,624 --> 00:16:48,525 FRANCINE: Stan, Roger's gonna get us. 431 00:16:48,592 --> 00:16:50,326 Where are you? We're in the kitchen. 432 00:16:50,394 --> 00:16:52,562 I'm running as fast as I can. 433 00:16:52,630 --> 00:16:53,897 (both screaming) 434 00:16:53,964 --> 00:16:55,265 (hissing) 435 00:16:56,467 --> 00:16:58,101 (beep and chirp) 436 00:16:58,169 --> 00:16:59,836 It's gonna be okay, Francine. 437 00:16:59,904 --> 00:17:01,738 I made it to the escape pod. 438 00:17:01,805 --> 00:17:03,473 I'm safe. 439 00:17:03,541 --> 00:17:05,175 What?! Stan, hurry! 440 00:17:05,242 --> 00:17:06,843 We're almost on the ground. 441 00:17:06,911 --> 00:17:09,045 No! Oh! 442 00:17:09,113 --> 00:17:11,648 (both women screaming and muttering) 443 00:17:11,715 --> 00:17:13,783 Well, I did all I could. 444 00:17:13,851 --> 00:17:15,118 (gasps) 445 00:17:15,186 --> 00:17:17,253 Fresh panties for the ride home! 446 00:17:19,323 --> 00:17:21,090 ♪ ♪ 447 00:17:25,629 --> 00:17:26,763 ROGER: Ow! 448 00:17:28,699 --> 00:17:29,999 (hissing) 449 00:17:46,750 --> 00:17:48,518 ♪ ♪ 450 00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:52,188 Welcome and thank you for coming! 451 00:17:52,256 --> 00:17:53,356 Are you gonna kill us now? 452 00:17:53,424 --> 00:17:54,857 That'd be too easy. 453 00:17:54,925 --> 00:17:58,428 No. You have to feel the same pain I felt that night. 454 00:17:58,495 --> 00:18:00,163 So you're going to roast us? 455 00:18:00,231 --> 00:18:03,366 No. You're going to roast each other. 456 00:18:03,434 --> 00:18:05,101 And your zingers better be mean. 457 00:18:05,169 --> 00:18:08,571 If you try any weak sauce, I'm gonna give you such a zots. 458 00:18:08,639 --> 00:18:09,439 (buzzing) Oh! 459 00:18:09,506 --> 00:18:12,508 Now, Stan, roast Hayley. 460 00:18:12,576 --> 00:18:13,776 (buzzing) Aah! 461 00:18:13,844 --> 00:18:15,345 You feel that zots?! 462 00:18:15,412 --> 00:18:18,448 Hayley, you're not very smart, and you smoke a lot of pot. 463 00:18:18,515 --> 00:18:19,182 Zots! 464 00:18:19,250 --> 00:18:20,483 Aah! Okay. 465 00:18:20,551 --> 00:18:22,352 Hayley, I secretly wish you were Benjamin Button, 466 00:18:22,419 --> 00:18:24,821 and you were aging backwards, and your life was almost over. 467 00:18:24,888 --> 00:18:26,055 (both laughing) 468 00:18:26,123 --> 00:18:27,523 Oh, yeah! 469 00:18:27,591 --> 00:18:29,092 Insults in the form of jokes. 470 00:18:29,159 --> 00:18:30,526 How's it feel, Hayley? 471 00:18:30,594 --> 00:18:31,761 Not too bueno, I bet. 472 00:18:31,829 --> 00:18:32,996 Okay, now do Steve. 473 00:18:33,063 --> 00:18:35,331 Steve, you will never get laid. 474 00:18:35,399 --> 00:18:36,599 There's nothing attractive about you. 475 00:18:36,667 --> 00:18:37,967 You have the sex appeal 476 00:18:38,035 --> 00:18:40,069 of the cancer ward in a pediatric hospital. 477 00:18:40,137 --> 00:18:41,871 (laughing) Oh. 478 00:18:41,939 --> 00:18:44,340 Hayley coming in with a groaner. Nice. 479 00:18:44,408 --> 00:18:46,776 Okay, Steve, let's see you give it to your mama. 480 00:18:48,045 --> 00:18:50,513 Mom, you are not smart. 481 00:18:50,581 --> 00:18:52,849 I don't tell "yo mama's so dumb" jokes. 482 00:18:52,916 --> 00:18:55,285 I tell "my mama's so dumb" jokes. 483 00:18:55,352 --> 00:18:57,320 Example: My mama's so dumb, 484 00:18:57,388 --> 00:18:59,555 I don't tell "yo mama's so dumb" jokes. 485 00:18:59,623 --> 00:19:02,025 I tell "my mama's so dumb" jokes. 486 00:19:02,092 --> 00:19:03,526 I love it. 487 00:19:03,594 --> 00:19:06,195 Francine, take the pain and throw it right at Stan. Do it! 488 00:19:06,263 --> 00:19:08,931 Stan, you have the undeserved ego 489 00:19:08,999 --> 00:19:10,700 of Jeremy Piven, 490 00:19:10,768 --> 00:19:12,602 the annoying self-righteousness 491 00:19:12,670 --> 00:19:14,103 of Sean Penn, 492 00:19:14,171 --> 00:19:15,605 and the unbearable hypocrisy 493 00:19:15,673 --> 00:19:17,140 of Rush Limbaugh. 494 00:19:17,207 --> 00:19:19,542 What I'm trying to say is, 495 00:19:19,610 --> 00:19:22,211 you're almost as bad a person as Rachael Ray. 496 00:19:29,620 --> 00:19:32,355 (laughs) 497 00:19:32,423 --> 00:19:34,290 (all laughing) 498 00:19:36,026 --> 00:19:37,827 Why are you laughing? 499 00:19:37,895 --> 00:19:39,062 That wasn't funny. 500 00:19:39,129 --> 00:19:40,530 That's, like, the meanest thing 501 00:19:40,597 --> 00:19:41,898 anyone's ever said to anyone. 502 00:19:41,965 --> 00:19:43,666 What the hell's going on here? 503 00:19:43,734 --> 00:19:45,034 Where's the hurt feelings? 504 00:19:45,102 --> 00:19:47,103 Roger, we can say these things to each other 505 00:19:47,171 --> 00:19:48,338 because we're family. 506 00:19:48,405 --> 00:19:49,605 It doesn't hurt my feelings 507 00:19:49,673 --> 00:19:51,374 because I still know they love me. 508 00:19:51,442 --> 00:19:53,343 Well, your roast hurt my feelings! 509 00:19:53,410 --> 00:19:54,944 Wait a minute. 510 00:19:55,012 --> 00:19:57,647 You don't consider yourself part of this family, do you? 511 00:19:57,715 --> 00:19:59,315 No, 'cause I'm not. 512 00:19:59,383 --> 00:20:00,550 Are you kidding me?! 513 00:20:00,617 --> 00:20:02,385 We tried to throw you a bowling party. 514 00:20:02,453 --> 00:20:03,786 We-we did the roast you wanted... 515 00:20:03,854 --> 00:20:05,054 If after all this time, 516 00:20:05,122 --> 00:20:06,823 you still don't feel part of this family, 517 00:20:06,890 --> 00:20:07,990 it's your hang-up. 518 00:20:08,058 --> 00:20:09,459 Roger, we love you. 519 00:20:09,526 --> 00:20:10,893 You're a Smith. 520 00:20:10,961 --> 00:20:13,096 If you can't accept that, go (bleep) yourself. 521 00:20:13,163 --> 00:20:16,099 Oh. Oh, my God. 522 00:20:16,166 --> 00:20:18,735 I am a part of this family. 523 00:20:18,802 --> 00:20:20,636 You do love me. 524 00:20:20,704 --> 00:20:22,705 I feel it now. 525 00:20:22,773 --> 00:20:24,374 I'm-I'm... 526 00:20:24,441 --> 00:20:26,342 I'm letting it wash over me. 527 00:20:26,410 --> 00:20:27,944 Look at me. 528 00:20:28,011 --> 00:20:31,114 I'm crying like Francine when she watches Grey's Anatomy. 529 00:20:31,181 --> 00:20:34,050 I just feel so sorry for those poor actors. 530 00:20:34,118 --> 00:20:36,185 (all laughing) 531 00:20:36,253 --> 00:20:38,388 Hey, Roger, go take some Euphoria 532 00:20:38,455 --> 00:20:39,989 and rape the data journal! 533 00:20:40,057 --> 00:20:41,457 (all laughing) 534 00:20:42,461 --> 00:20:43,561 I've been eyeing it. 535 00:20:43,629 --> 00:20:44,696 I'm not gonna lie. 536 00:20:44,806 --> 00:20:46,673 (all laughing) 537 00:20:49,159 --> 00:20:50,293 (sighs) 538 00:20:50,360 --> 00:20:51,494 Fun birthday. 539 00:20:51,562 --> 00:20:52,595 (gagging) 540 00:20:54,698 --> 00:20:57,400 Hey, never thought I'd see you dirty bastards again. 541 00:20:57,468 --> 00:20:59,102 Ah. I feel great. 542 00:20:59,169 --> 00:21:00,403 Cleaned out. 543 00:21:00,471 --> 00:21:01,871 All right, who wants them next? 544 00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:04,307 No one? 545 00:21:04,374 --> 00:21:05,475 Okay, you heard 'em. 546 00:21:05,542 --> 00:21:06,709 Round two, boys. 547 00:21:06,777 --> 00:21:08,411 Now make sure this time that you really... 548 00:21:08,479 --> 00:21:09,712 (grunts, sighs) 549 00:21:09,780 --> 00:21:10,814 Oh. Oh, you know what you're doing. 550 00:21:10,826 --> 00:21:12,860 -- Sync, corrected by elderman -- -- for MY-SUBS.com --